THE UNABEEFER'S MANIFESTO Mad cows and all the things I hate about the world version 3.2   ---------------------------   CONTENTS I. INTRODUCTION II. MAD COW DISEASE AND BEEF CONSUMPTION III. REQUIRED EDUCATION AND OTHER STUDIES IV. NOVELTY ITEMS AND SOUVENIRS V. POOR PEOPLE AND THE LOWER CLASSES VI. MOVIES VII. TELEVISION VIII. COMPUTERS IX. MUSIC X. CENSORSHIP XI. CLOTHING AND FASHION XII. RELIGION   ---------------------------   I. INTRODUCTION   1. Well, for my entire lifetime, there have been things, little small things, that just irritate me. Things that don't really mean much to anyone and have no significance in them whatsoever, but they bug the crap out of me anyway.   2. This compilation lists as many of those things that bug me. As many as I could think of, I placed into this text. Everything is listed in order of either importance or in order of the appearance in my thoughts.   3. I spent all sorts of time writing all of this down and spread it out as much as I could to make it look longer than it actually had to be.   4. I numbered the items for easy filing and listing for things like reference and stuff. Also, I repeated things as often as I could just to make it longer. I also spread it out as much as I could, as forementioned in section I-3.   5. Some of the articled items really do bug me as much as I put them out to be, others I just found comical and humorous or just plain stupid so I placed them in my list for your pleasure also.   ---------------------------   II. MAD COW DISEASE AND BEEF CONSUMPTION   1. Too many cows are being ruthlessly slaughtered. The poor cows. Have you ever looked a cow in the face and then try to even tip it over? It's harder than it looks. The little creature may seem dumb and useless to us, but they are so sweet. One look in that little cow's eyes and you're down on the floor sobbing.   2. People at least yell at you when you try to kill them. Human beings MAKE you want to kill people. A person will sit and scream at you, and you can't help but be thankful when the person's dead and quiet. They're dead. They finally shut up and are bleeding all over the floor. Aw, well. Let their friends clean it up.   3. Big beef selling corporations, like McDonald's and Burger King, need to continue raising prices on beef products. This is a plus, for it will then reduce the sales of beef. The less beef that is sold, the fewer cows that will die.   4. People in general need to cut back on consumption of beef products. The society depends way too much on beef and not on improtant things like vinyl window coverings.   5. Vinyl window coverings are cool. I have some in my room. I have dark blue window coverings that I keep shut 360 days of the year. This keeps snipers from shooting me in my sleep or as I chat on the internet with my buddies from Canada. You should get some vinyl window coverings.   6. Anyway, as for that beef consumption thing, if people want burgers, eat turkey burgers. They taste quite a lot like beef and are a lot healthier for you. They don't have as much fat as beef but taste a little like beef. Also, people need to eat more chicken. Pork is good too, along with other pig products, such as ham and bacon.   7. Because of this beef-reliance the world has fallen into, I gratefully approve of and adhere to the continuation and uncontrolling of mad cow disease. Even though the cows suffer from "natural" causes, this lessens the consumption of beef products, not only because of fewer cows, but of the scare society gets from hearing about tainted beef. The more tainted beef, the better.   ---------------------------   III. REQUIRED EDUCATION AND OTHER STUDIES   1. Every child is forced to attend some form of educational facility, from ages 5 until 18, not only in the United States but in other parts of the world as well. Why are children forced to learn things? If they want to end up stupid, it's them who won't take their lives anywhere in the future. People need to learn to take the consequences for their actions, and if a child doesn't go to school, they're going to miss out in the long run. It will also be easier to tell the smart people from the stupid people, the reliable committed people from the slackers.   2. The government shouldn't be in charge of making sure the kids go to school. The public education system is not a babysitter. The responsibility should be in the hands of the adult soley responsible for teaching and implying values into the kids... the parents. This section may be one of the most serious and actually very truthful sections in this entire manifesto, so go back and read this 27 times, forward and backward.   3. Why don't teachers have homework? Maybe they could take home flash cards with pictures and the names of each student on them. That way teachers can learn the names of the students quicker. Also, it will be easier for them to notice when someone is missing from the class, because they will be looking for each face to match with the name, as their homework provides for them, and will notice when one is not there.   4. In college, a science is required for your "general education." Why is this? I'm not majoring in science, I see no need for biology where I am going. If I wish to learn about physics, I will chose to take the class. This subject shouldn't be forced on me, especially seeing as how I just plain suck at biology. People should be forced to take some cool class like "desktop publishing" or something easy like that. Now that's what I call general education.   5. People shouldn't be given so much homework. Especially college students. Most college students are trying to support themselves and go to school at the same time. That means working 30-40+ hours a week at one or two low paying jobs. Most people don't have the time to hold two jobs AND do all sorts of weird, unconventional homework in a week. It's just not realistic.   ---------------------------   IV. NOVELTY ITEMS AND SOUVENIRS   1. What's with all these little knick-knacks people buy from gift shops on vacation? Little not-to-scale models of the monument they went to see, anything-small-enough-to-fit-in-a-bottle in a bottle (i.e. coins, teeth, etc), and anything else small that you can place on a desk or give to someone who obviously could live without it. These little things take up space, and collect dust. I see no sense in little souvenir things...   2. Why not buy a t-shirt, hat, or some other useful product, like one of those little european-style bottle openers with the corkscrew on it. You could find a million uses for that thing, just like the pocket fisherman. Instead of buying a miniature spoon with a logo on it and a case that won't open, buy something you can use and not store in a box somewhere in your attic?   3. Or even better, don't buy something from a gift shop; buy something expensive and good quality from a department store near the site of visitation. If you go to London, buy a jacket from Herrod's Department Store. If you go to New York City, buy something from Macey's. It's all in the memory of "Oh yeah, I remember buying this at (insert store here) in (insert city name). That was a cool trip."   4. And never buy any little desk-topper for someone you know. Chances are, they don't want it. They didn't go to wherever it was you went or saw whatever it was you saw. Why would they need a rememberance of someplace they didn't go? The only excuse I could see for buying a little thing for someone is if they asked you to bring one. Otherwise, let it go. They don't want the snow globe.   ---------------------------   V. POOR PEOPLE AND THE LOWER CLASSES   1. Okay, now you're probably thinking I'm serious and that I'm going to talk about how poor people are the problem with society. Not so. Rich people are more of a problem than the poor. Too many people are taking all the money for themselves and being extremely greedy. To eliminate this problem, we must eliminate some people. (as mentioned in II-2)   2. But how would you define "rich" and "poor"? It's not easy to classify by numbers, but I'd say that anyone with more money than they actually need for living is rich. That means that anyone with hardly enough money to buy clothes, much less food, is poor.   3. That means I'm rich! I have much more money than I need, and I am stingy with it. I horde my money like a young child and his halloween candy. This is what is wrong. Why should some people go hungry just because you want that CD? (Oh, and have you heard that new Britney Spears CD yet? It's really cool!)   4. What we need to do is kill all the filthy rich people and give all their money to the poor. This will make some of the poor people rich, which means we must kill them also. Doing this not only reduces the amount of poor and rich people. It also reduces the amount of people!   5. The world is way over-populated. We need to reduce, thin-down, the number of people in the world. (see V-4) Maybe we should start with you...   ---------------------------   VI. MOVIES   1. Movies nowadays are so stupid. People don't seem to notice that there is NO plot! All there is to a movie is a whole ton of special effects. No depth whatsoever. Oh wow... look at that tornado. Great tornado. Looks so real. But where's the plot? Oh, it's behind the tornado somewhere I guess.   2. And what's with the prices on popcorn at theaters? Would you like a large? It's only twenty-five cents more! Oh sure, I've already spent four hundred dollars on the medium. Not to mention the ten hundred on the ticket, and the seventy-five bucks for my soda. Why NOT waste twenty-five more cents? And I get a free refil on my popcorn too! As if I'll even finish the FIRST one in the two hours of the movie...   3. Each seat at a movie theater has two, count 'em two, cup holders. Is that for people who can't make up their minds? Which one should I put my cup in? During the first scene, I'll have my cup on the right. Second scene it goes on the left. But where should I put my popcorn? They should make one of the cup holders a popcorn holder. Unfortunately, the entire seat next to you would be the only thing big enough for your popcorn. (see VI-2)   4. Even the TITLES of movies are stupid. I think they ran out of titles. They used to be able to use cool names like "Howard the Duck" and "Ninja Academy". Nowadays, every movie is "The" something. Like "The Codebreaker" or "The Yawner". Either that or it's just some sappy name like "Beauty of Her" or "Covering Mary". Come on! Where's the creativity in that?   5. Which gets me to my next subject: sequels. "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" was okay. "Honey I Blew Up the Kid" was a little much. "Honey We Shrunk Ourselves" just seemed to cross the line to becoming just plain stupid. What's next? "Honey I Shrunk the Moon"? "Honey I Shrunk the Neighbor's Dog"? Or maybe the final one, "Honey I Blew Up The World"? That would be a fun one! Just like "The Mighty Ducks VII" where the team faces a whole kindergarten hockey team and for added plot twist... the ice is MELTING! Oh no! Oooh, and maybe a tornado! (see VI-1) Another fun sequel set is "Look Who's Talking" followed by "Too", "Now", and "Still". "Look Who's Talking Still" wraps up the set by focusing on the kids as teenagers, continuously talking on the phone. Okay, so it's not that good of an idea... but neither was "Scream 3".   6. Also, a lot of bad remakes are coming out. "The Nutty Professor" for one. Jerry Lewis was a lot better than Eddie Murphy. Why even bother making a remake that's just going to end up stupid anyway? Why not just colourize the older, better, original one and re-release it like they usually do anyway?   ---------------------------   VII. TELEVISION   1. Television programming these days can be summed up in two words: senseless dribble. Don't get me wrong; I like TV. I watch more TV than a four year-old during a Sessame Street marathon. I just think it's pointless. Useless, mindless crap. It takes every hour of every day just to sit on your fat butt and do nothing but watch TV. You end up watching TV instead of important things like... say... chatting on the internet!   2. But now they have this Web TV thing. What's the point in THAT?! You can't DOWNLOAD anything; you can't UPLOAD anything. The only thing you CAN do is chat. There ya go, feeding more chat-habits... just great. (see VIII-3)   3. But back onto that TV thing... Some shows are really wholesome, clean, family-oriented shows, and some shows are really good... The few good shows on TV usually end up getting censored and bleeped. If a show has some bleeps, you can bet it's probably a really cool show. The more bleeps the better! Also, the best shows on TV are the ones that DON'T CARE about being "Politically Correct."   4. Then there are the shows that are based on movies. Yeah, M*A*S*H was good... so was the Odd Couple. But Clueless, A League of Their Own, and Honey I Shrunk The Kids was just too much... hell, it was WAY too much! Most of these only last for a season or two, so you'd better not get too hooked on the show... as if you CAN. Oh, the movie was good, so the TV show must be GREAT! Yeah right... Old jokes EVERY WEEK! Yipee!   ---------------------------   VIII. COMPUTERS   1. The world was so much of a better place when there were no computers. I'm sure it was a lot more BORING but still, let's look at the point here. Back then, there were no computers to solve math problems or to easily find information for you. People actually had to use their brains... Imagine the horror! People actually THINKING! OH NO!   2. Also, writing was a lot better before computers. Letters were a lot more personal handwritten. Now we have E-mail. (see VIII-3) Also, teachers could know if students actually did their work of just hired someone to do the work for them. If Billy's homework was in Peter's handwriting, Peter obviously did the work for Billy.   3. The internet is just another of the many problems with computers. Useless waste of time. The most anyone ever does, besides E-mail, is chat. So you're socializing, eh? Yeah... sure. Strike up a conversation with 19 year-old Jackie from Portland who, after months of cyber-sex and little internet smooches, ends up to be 47 year-old Gordie, father of four from Edmonton. Then you order a CD from a phony music distributor, who clears out your bank account before you even figure out that you'd been had.   4. It's not all THAT bad... I can look up some research information for school on the internet. Need I say that no-one even DOES that?! If you REALLY want to look up some GOOD, SOLID information, go to the library... You know, that place with all the books.   5. People rely on computers way too much. (see VIII-1) They load ALL their business and vital information on the computer, expecting it to keep it all safe. Then when the computer crashes, they get all pissed off at it like it's the COMPUTER'S fault for their own laziness. IT'S A MACHINE! IT'S NOT PERFECT! IT GLITCHES MORE THAN HUMANS!   6. Than there are the computer errors that you recieve... this is extremely common for a Macintosh. (see VIII-7) You get an error telling you that something's wrong... Yeah. What are YOU supposed to do about it. It's the computer... it can figure it out for itself. It apparently doesn't need you. (see VIII-1) Then it restarts the computer JUST to give you the same error and send you back in the error cycle. This too is also common on a Macintosh. (see VIII-7)   7. Apple Macintosh shouldn't even be referred to as a "computer" It's more in the categorie of "paperweight". Yes, that's right, I hate Macintosh. Point and click... point and click... there's nothing to it. Absolutely nothing to do or learn. It's worse than America Online. Maybe a good way to use a Macintosh would be to empty the guts out of it, fill it with water, and use it as a fish bowl.   ---------------------------   IX. MUSIC   1. Okay, before I start in on any certain form of music, let me just say this: What's with music these days?! Yelling and screaming along with guitars and drums... Hell, I could do that! Why am I not making thousands of dollars instead of those yellers? I probably have more musical talent in my... well, let's just say that most of these modern rockers suck.   2. Now I'm going to dawg on Country music. Western or no western, it's all just sentimental whining. Sure, your woman left... maybe she was sick of your singing. Each song is the same in one way: everything's gone and the cowboy singing the song is sad and dreams about when his stuff comes back. Face it, Bucko, it's all gone and it ain't comin back. In fact, I think your musical talent went with it all. Take it like a man and start over... and while you're at it, get some new clothes. Maybe some solid colours. None of this plaid shirts with tight pants, a Garth Brooks t-shirt and a cowboy hat. You DON'T have any cows, and I doubt you've ever even seen a horse before. That all went out with the nineteenth century, anyways. HEY! Put that shotgun down!   3. Next up is rap. Okay, this started out as a cheesy little teenage thing/ Wearing a sideways baseball cap, a shirt 7 times too big for you, and bright orange shorts also way too big for you. Add some big gold medallions and you've got yourself the hip-hop era of the eighties. Then comes the Gangsta era of the nineties. This was cool because we have (sometimes) beautiful teenage girls wearing skimpy shirts and overly sagged pants. But enough about the clothes, let's talk about the music. Lots of bass, some funky drum beat and a guy chanting along with it all. Occasionally, some record scratches get thrown in for spice. It truly is an art form. It takes lots of talent to nicely rap. If only it wasn't so annoying! HEY! Put that "gat" down!   4. Music is WAY too violent.   5. Now for the wonderful world of swing... Can we say "World War II"? You always said it was stupid when your grandparents used to listen to it at family reunions, but now that someone young starts it back up, OH, it's cool! You bloody hypocrites. And all these new wannabe swing bands all sound the same, and they all dress in zoot suits 7 times too big for them. Sag the zoot suit! Make it more 'hip'! And the NAMES of these bands all sound like they're trying too hard at this. Every single one has the word "Daddies" in it. Like The Runny Nosed Snot Honkin Daddies... they did the song "Got A Kleenex My Nose Won't Stop Riot" And then there's the Pot Smokin Crack Shootin Daddies who did the song "Hallucination Riots" Oh and the Big Bad Wolf Daddies and their song "Red Rioting Hood Riot" IT'S ALL THE SAME!   6. I COULD go off on every other type of music, but I don't really WANT to right now. I LIKE every other form of music... except disco. Hippie crap at its worst.   ---------------------------   X. CENSORSHIP   1. I saved this one for section ten. I feel this is a big topic that should be stopped and discussed as little as possible. That is why I am discussing it right now. Yes, I know that makes no sense, but I don't give a damn. Censor THAT, dumbass!   2. Censorship nowadays just makes absolutely no sense. Everyone knows what those words are behind the bleeps. It's not like it's going to block it from their minds. Whenever I hear a bleep, I have to sit and think to see if I can figure out which cuss word is used. This just runs ALL of the cuss words imaginable through my head and just defeats the purpose of censoring altogether. Also, the only people watching or listening to whatever it is that's being censored, usually use those words in their everyday language. The only people who REALLY get offended by the frequent cussing AVOID anything they think might have cussing in it anyways. OH NO, the MENONITES might not like our cussing... THEY DON'T HAVE A DAMN TV FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!   3. The frequent bleeping is loud and rather obnoxious. It just makes the cussing stand out more than it does in the first place. Sometimes it just makes it sound WORSE than it should. Let's take the phrase "What the hell are you doing?" Censoring it just makes it sound like another word is used: "What the **** are you doing?" Doesn't look pretty, eh?   4. And whatever happened to "freedom of speech"? It's just become a myth. You can NOT say whatever you want. You can hardly say what you FEEL... Everytime I say how I feel, I get censored, smacked, and shut up. Heh... some free country this is.   ---------------------------   XI. CLOTHING AND FASHION   1. I really hate clothes. Sometimes I wish we all could just go without. Just think, no school uniforms, no gang elites, no division between social classes; it's all good. Clothes make people look different from other people, and people like to discriminate against different people. Without clothes, hicks wouldn't look any different than preps. Business men wouldn't look any different than gang members.   2. Clothes are a burden... they're heavy, and they take lots of time to put on and take off. Not wearing any would save a lot of time and space. (see XI-1)   3. I say just ban clothes altogether... Years from now, after a couple of generations have passed, grandparents can say to their grandkids, "Come here. I want to tell you a story about clothes." Then the grandkids would sit and listen intently as they are told about this weird stuff people used to put all over their bodies to cover themselves up... then, one of the grandkids would ask, "Why, Grandma? Why would someone want to wear those?" and the grandma would reply with "I just don't know, honey. I just... don't... know..."   4. Now let me talk about fashion... geesh, now THERE'S a waste of time, eh? Man, okay, think this: Let's dress all funky just to look... um... interesting? Then maybe we could look like some form of superstar, who generally dresses normal and just dresses funky for MONEY! But guess what... we aren't gonna get ANY money... sounds great, eh?   5. Women spend HOURS, sometimes even DAYS, getting ready to go somewhere. I need to go to the mailbox to get the mail. But first, I gotta do my hair. So you spend four and a half hours getting dressed up to go check the mail, which takes less than a minute. Just walk out, get the mail, walk back... then you can take off all that makeup and change back into your grubbies until you have to go get the paper off the porch.   6. And what about shopping... What ABOUT shopping? The male mind is so set that, when a guy knows what he is shopping for, all he needs to do is walk in, grab whatever it is he needs, and buy it. No trying it on... he knows his size... why should he waste any more time? Women have to stop and admire how cute everything is on the WAY to whatever it ids they are buying. Then, once they find it, they have to try on every single one on the rack. Just for the fun of it, they try on something seven sizes SMALLER than they KNOW they are, JUST so they can complain about how FAT they think they are. That's all I plan to say on THAT subject, because any more and I'll never get a date. As if I ever will anyways... Maybe in the future I will add some more.   ---------------------------   XII. RELIGION   1. Everyone, well almost anyone, has some form of religion nowadays. And every religion, by its own nature, must be right... as every other religion must be wrong. What does this mean? It means that everyone thinks that their personal religion is right, while everyone else is wrong. There are about 42 DIFFERENT "true" religions out there that I have counted.   2. But ours has a BOOK that TELLS us we're right... Yeah, so do the Mormons, the Buddhists, and the Muslims. But we have a prophet... So do they. Can we say "Joseph Smith"?   3. Well, what makes every religion different then? God. Each religion either has its own version of one god or has a whole plethera of gods to worship. Is there a god? Of course... we hear too much about him for there NOT to be. We just have to determine which god is the RIGHT god.   4. I am not going to do that today. I am just going to complain, that being the point of this document. (see I-2) Religion sucks. Yep. Not only are there too many of them, but they also make you dress all funky. (see XI-4)   5. No one likes being told what to wear. And I don't know a single person who likes being forced to wear a suit. Nowhere in the Bible or ANY other "true" book does it say you have to wear a suit to go to heaven or any other "better place" such as Cleaveland or Salt Lake City or Moose Jaw.