Wednesday, March 31, 2010

0306: Time Of The Apes

MST3k, Experiment #0306

Time Of The Apes.

A woman takes her children to see their uncle, who is a scientist working on cryogenics experiments. They are using monkeys and other primates in their experiments. There is an earthquake, and the woman and her kids are trapped in cryogenic chambers and are somehow transported into a "Planet of the Apes" type futures. They are captured, escape, return to the present and are eventually given an explanation of what happened to them that is incomprehensible. Also, this is really a re-edited Japanese TV series, so there's some odd continuity bits, especially near the end.

Okay, I have officially seen this movie far too many times.  I am able to quote lines along with the movie.

I've reviewed the movie before, in the KTMA season... now they did a new take, like they did for quite a few other crappy Japanese movies.  This one, obviously, is a far better effort than the earlier episode.  The segments are better, the jokes are better... the movie still sucks.  If you like Planet Of The Apes, you'll probably find lots of "good" things about this though.  There isn't too much to note about the episode, except the wonderful Sandy Frank theme song.  I love singing this song, and that's probably why I've seen this movie so many times.

Favourite line:  "My piece of wood! It died so that we might live."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

0305: Stranded In Space

MST3k, Experiment #0305

The planet he uncovered was a twin to Earth... but so ominously different!  Stranded In Space.

TV series pilot (series never launched). After a freak mishap, an astronaut finds himself on an almost precise copy of Earth (right down to the Plymouth cars). However, this planet has three moons, and is run by an Orwellian government called The Perfect Order, who seek out and crush all dissidents either by outright assassination or by having them treated at "Ward E." Hunted and alone, the story traces the astronaut's efforts to evade capture and return home.

Okay, I will be brief.  I have always loved this episode simply because the plot of the movie really isn't all that bad.  Flawed, yes, but not all that bad.  The movie is bad, sure... but the premise actually isn't all too horrible.  I like the concept of an alternate planet, on the same orbit as ours and developed almost exactly the same.  I am very sure it's been done many, many times before... but I don't care.  I enjoyed this crap-ass movie.

The epsiode itself was pretty good.  Relatively standard, with quite a few references to earlier episodes... Tibby and so forth.

Anyways, not the best, but I like it!

Favourite line:  "What about the Tang?"

Monday, March 29, 2010

Moving Faster Than Nature

Here's a less sarcastic, less bitter poem I wrote...  I think I like this one.


A single drop falls onto my head.

Perhaps I can walk
faster than the rain will come.

Another drop hits,
like a precise mark.

Suddenly, a cold wind
rips at my face.
The dark of night smells fantastic:

Flowers, and the onset of rain.

It's a bit quiet.
Windchimes, and sprinklers.

I get a calm, forboding feeling:
Something is about to happen.

Keep walking. Just keep walking.

Dark spots begin to fill the ground,
just as I make it up the stairs
and through my door.

The night breaks open.

Friday, March 26, 2010

0304: Gamera Vs. Barugon

MST3k, Experiment #0304

The Great Monster Duel:  Gamera Vs. Barugon.

After a treacherous expedition to retrieve a giant opal, disaster strikes as the opal reveals itself to be an egg which spawns Barugon, demon dog from Hell! Armed with a deadly tongue and cold beams, Barugon wreaks havoc on Japan. Gamera comes to save the day.

A meteor released Gamera from the grasps of Z Plan... yes, Z Plan.  Three(3) guys hunt for a lost opal, and end up hatching an egg or something that holds Barugon, the giant dog-lizard with a horn... who shoots rainbows out of his mouth or head or something.  Is it any wonder I stopped paying attention?!  Anyways, Gamera comes back and saves Japan from the dangerous rainbows of Barugon in an epic battle the likes of which you'll wish you'd never seen.

One good thing about this movie, and possibly the ONLY good thing, is something I read on the MST3k Wiki site:  "Gamera vs. Barugon is the only Gamera movie that doesn’t feature annoying Japanese children with level 5 security clearance gadding about in tiny short pants. "  Oh thank god...  but why is this still the worst Gamera movie of all of them?!  Perhaps there's something to be said about the stupid kids named Kenny shouting joy for Gamera.  What am I saying?!  I must be mad.  Alright, that's it for this week.  I am going to go take a nap.

Favourite line:  "A piece of liver! This movie IS fascinating!"

Thursday, March 25, 2010

0303: Pod People

MST3k, Experiment #0303

Men were not ready to meet these...  Pod People.

A little boy who has an extensive array of pets he likes to call "specimens" finds an alien egg to hatch, somewhat like Horton. The creature manages to use his snout to suck up peanuts and warp time and space with his fingers. Unfortunately, his brother who is found by poachers go on a killing spree.

"Your experiment today is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods... it has nothing to do with people... it has everything to do with hurting."

FVI... Why, oh why, FVI??  Yes, we start this movie off with yet another Film Ventures International bizarre opening sequence.  As always, this sequence really has nothing to do with the movie...  but boy howdy, this movie.  I know a few people who can't sit through this one, but it's still a huge favourite of fans everywhere.  The movie is terrible, sure, but to me, that's what this show is all about!!!

We have some hunters who have crossbows... they exist mostly at night.  Then we have this little boy who finds a giant egg... he exists in some weird cabin with his family, and his voice is horribly dubbed by a lady.  The best group though is the band.  There's a singer and his backup vocalists, who he constantly berates...  I don't see why they put up with him, but I guess it's because he's so dreamy.  Anyways, they tend to appear in the daytime mostly, but after a stupid mishap that injures one of the whores, the band ends up at the family's cabin.  Some other stuff happens, and people get killed...  Oh and there's Trumpy.  The egg had hatched into an ALF looking creature named Trumpy, who was friends with the little kid, but it would seem that he's the reason people are dying.  But the kid insists that Trumpy, much like Gamera, is essentially good.  I think that's basically it.

Even if you can't sit through the dreadfully awful movie, the host segments are superb.  One of my favourite songs ever from MST3k is "Idiot Control Now" where Joel and the bots recreate the song that was being recorded by the band in the movie.  I sing this song semi-often, especially when there's people around to hear the line "Bees on pie, burning rubber tires."  It never fails to get a few weird looks... but every so often, someone will knowingle give the "okay" sign with their hand, and say "It stinks!"

Other host segment highlights include Joel showing Crow how to make New Age music, Trumpy's magic wreaking havoc on the SOL, and a sad ballad "Clowns In the Sky."

While I personally consider this another "perfect" episode, it's not one of my top ten(10) favourites... but it IS the second episode (right behind Eegah!) that I force people to watch when introducing them to the show.  It shows just how great this show can be, even when the movie itself is just so painfully bad.

Favourite line:  "I've re-routed the power into Trumpy."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

0302: Gamera

MST3k, Experiment #0302

See Gamera...Destroy Entire Cities! Attack from Outer Space! Fight the Mightiest Armies!  Gamera.

This is the first movie starring the oversized flying turtle named Gamera, Friend to All Children. The movie opens as a mysterious jet is flying over the Arctic, so a general orders fighters to shoot it down. Unfortunately, the jet was carrying a nuclear bomb and the atomic blast from its crash awakens a prehistoric monster, played here by Gamera. Gamera first destroys an ice-cutting model research ship and then immediately heads to Japan to destroy more things. In Japan, a short-shorts-wearing, turtle-obsessed boy named Kenny is saved by Gamera – after Gamera first almost kills him – marking the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Kenny is allowed into the inner circle of power in Japan due to his association with Gamera and tries to interfere with any plans to destroy his giant turtle friend. Finally, the scientists come up with the "Z Plan," in which Gamera is to be imprisoned in a giant rocket and launched to Mars.

I briefly reviewed this movie back in the KTMA season, but I really don't feel like going to see what I said...  I am sure I complained at great length about the bratty little kid Kenny, who they just happen to let in to top secret government military facilities.  I hate Kenny.  In fact, it's because of this movie that I cringe whenever I meet anyone named Kenny.  (Sorry, Kenny.)  This kid is a fucking moron...  Why does the government let him constantly get in the way and ruin projects that obviously cost millions upon millions of Yen?!  Was the Japanese government really that incompetent??  Actually, why the hell did ANYONE put up with Kenny?!  Unless he was born retarded, so everything he did or said just comes across as "stupid cute," I don't see any reason why every person he came into contact with didn't just immediately give him a giant closed-fisted thwack to the head.  "I know he must be good. He and Tibby are from the same family, I just know it!" ... **THWACK**

I am very sure I at least mentioned Z Plan.  I love Z Plan.  The best part about Z Plan is that everyone in the movie seems to immediately know what it is, without anyone ever explaining it.  Even when the plan takes effect, and I guess it works, there is no real explanation as to what just happened, or if they actually planned it that way.  Sure, they somehow lure the giant, fire-breathing, flying turtle-monster onto a platform, and then they sealed him up into the tip of a rocket...  Did they just have that hollow-tipped rocket lying around?!  Better yet, for a hole that deep, with that much infrastructure enclosing it, they must have planned the capture of Gamera for at least ten(10) to twenty(20) years.  This means Z Plan, which no one knows what it really is, has been in preparation for a good decade at least, YEARS before Gamera was known.

I guess maybe they had Z Plan there due to all the other random giant monsters that come and attack Japan's cities.  The way they were all excited about it, and the general population was infinitely knowledgeable on a large scale...  I'd say this plan was just a huge news item years ago when protestors were questioning the monetary value of such a huge and seemingly useless project.  I can see the "Z Plan = No Plan" signs right now.  And now, with the big turtle knocking everything over, everyone just knew "Hey! We have that Z Plan lying around with the rocket... We can use THAT finally!!!"  ...and so they set off to lure the lumbering beast to the "top secret" facility, where little Kenny was able to get front row seats to see his beloved Gamera fired off into the great unknown.

As you can see, this movie upsets me greatly.

The episode was a classic...  Comparing this to the aforementioned KTMA episode, there is a HUGE difference when the show is actually written, as opposed to just improvised.  The riffs are far better and come at a much greater pace.  The host segments are superb, and we get a lovely famous song "Tibby, Oh Tibby."  Although sung by Servo, it was still very obvious to me that the song was written by Mike Nelson (who physically appeared as Gamera in another segment).  He has a certain feel to his writing that is easily recognisable to fans like me.  Of course, the song was mocked incessantly by Crow, and was followed up with Crow interjecting "Do you realise we just saw a robot sing a love song to a turtle?"

Episodes like these are a testament as to why all the fans wish for official DVD releases of the Gamera movies.  One can only hope.

Favourite line:  "Burn everything!"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

0301: Cave Dwellers

MST3k, Experiment #0301

A pure action fantasy where good, strength and exotic beauty battle evil.  Cave Dwellers.

In this sequel, the Fighting Eagle returns. This time he must save a former mentor from the evil Zor. Ator battles cavemen, invisible swordsmen, and barbarians with his new sidekick Thong to finally have the ultimate showdown with Zor.

Here we start season three(3)...  The show really starts to take off here, and it's even apparent by the opening segment.  Right away, we get some general absurdity from the mads.  One thing that always makes me laugh a LOT is when Frank tries to burst into song and immediately gets a random "Oh shut up!" from Dr. F.  Nothing is explained, nothing has any back-story... it's just... awesome.

Anywho, I would count this episode as a mild third-string favourite of mine.  We have a Conan-like character wandering around, inventing hang-gliding... Yes, I said hang-gliding.  This is a horrible movie, but it's definitely one of the best to riff.  The jokes fly in at a fast pace and never leave you feeling bored.  Also I think this may be the first appearance of "I'm HUGE!!!" but I could be horribly wrong on that.

The single-best part of the whole episode is the first host-segment.  Cave Dwellers is a retitling of an Ator movie, with a new introduction by Film Ventures International...  One thing FVI is very well-known for is their horrid introductions, usually taking clips from other random obscure films and chopping them together in slow-motion with a muted digitized effect.  So, of course, Joel and the bots do their take on this intro, moving around slowly to the theme music, while Cambot provides the proper effects.  You sort of have to see it to truly appreciate it, but it's definitely the highlight of the episode.

All-in-all, I good solid effort.  I like it very much.

Favourite line:  "Geez, Tolkien couldn't follow this plot."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Bows and Arrows

Don't even try to figure out where this one came from.


If I ever
get shot with
an arrow

I don't think
I will just
try to pull it out

Not because
it may cause
more damage

But because
I think it would be
really neat
to walk around
with an arrow
sticking out of me

"Mommy, that man has
an arrow in his chest."
"Don't provoke the freak.
He might talk to you."

And I would.

Friday, March 19, 2010

0213: Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster

MST3k, Experiment #0213

The World's Devastating, Most Crushing Battle of the Gigantic Monsters: Ebirah, the Gigantic Lobster, Challenges the Supremacy of Godzilla and Mothra!  Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster.

A fisherman named Yata winds up missing after the boat he is working on sinks. His younger brother Ryota decides to search for him, but when the authorities refuse to help him he tries to enter a dance contest to win a boat to go search for Yata. When Ryota arrives at the contest he finds out he is too late by a few days, but meets up with two contestants who had already been eliminated named Nita and Ichino. The three youths then head for the marina to look at different boats. After they board one, they meet a rifle toting man named Yoshimura, whom they assume is the owner. However, he is a bank robber who is using the boat to hide out. After a few minutes, Yoshimura decides to let the youths stay the night. The next morning they wake up to find out that Ryota has set sail with them on it to search for his brother. A few days into their trip they are caught in a storm and as the boys try to keep the boat from sinking they see a giant claw emerge from the water. The next morning they wake up on Lechti Island, which serves as the base for a group of international terrorists called Red Bamboo, who have a heavy water factory on the island. They also observe as a boat belonging to the group arrive with slaves from Infant Island, the home of Mothra. Some of the natives try to make a break for it, but they are caught and eaten by the same monster that wrecked the boys boat, a giant lobster named Ebirah. During the commotion, a slave girl named Daiyo manages to sneak away and runs into the boys. They then find a cave where they hide out. But also in the cave is Godzilla, who is hibernating. They then try to head for the base to see if they can save the slaves, but their plans are thwarted and Ichino becomes a prisoner while Ryota gets caught in an observation balloon and drifts towards Infant Island where he is reunited with Yata. In the meantime, Nita gets an idea to awaken Godzilla with lightning to not only distract the soldiers but to fight Ebirah.

Godzilla... Mothra... Ebirah...  It all makes me wonder why Gamera and Jet Jaguar weren't thrown in for good measure.  This really is one clusterfuck of a movie.  The episode is pretty decent really, but nothing as great as the previous Godzilla episode.  The constant jokes about the lack of title card went on through the very end, and I found those to be the best part of the riffs... but I don't tire of running gags very easily.  The movie though, I pretty much think of as simply a lot of random nothing leading up to some really loud monster screeches.  I mean really, YOU try reading that summary up there and not suddenly wanting to just give up on the movie.  Now imagine WATCHING that movie.  Yeah, no... it was a pain.

The host segments provide some fun though.  We have the "Godzilla Genealogy Bop" and the bots summon Mothra and have a little casual chat with the giant moth-beast.  My favourite though is when Joel seems to be suffering from "space madness" so the bots destroy his model village.

While not the best episode, it really was just fun... I'd mildly recommend it.

Favourite line:  "It's a laboratory factory."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

0212: Godzilla vs. Megalon

MST3k, Experiment #0212

Giant Against Giant...the Ultimate Battle!  Godzilla vs. Megalon.

The underground kingdom of Seatopia sends out Megalon, a giant beetle, and Gigan to destroy the above ground dwellers. In an attempt to stop them, an independently thinking robot brings Godzilla into the fight.

This is definitely one of the best episodes of season two(2)... some would say of the whole series.  I wouldn't go so far as that, personally, but it is incredibly hilarious.

I believe this is the first of the Japanese monster movies for this show, and they don't fail to deliver.  All of the riffing is great, and I have always loved how much they get into the battle scenes.  There's a lot of cheering for Godzilla and Jet Jaguar...  Oh, Jet Jaguar.  Yeah, so the guys in the movie make some robot and name it Jet Jaguar.  I really don't know what they were thinking there... there's really no jet, and DEFINITELY no jaguar.  But hey, whatever... I think they were trying to push a spinoff.

Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy!  My favourite segment from this episode.  I am pretty sure the whole concept was Frank's idea.  This hasn't been verified by anyone; just my speculation... but it definitely sounds like his humour.  I can just picture them all in the writer's room, and Frank just blurts out "Rex Dart... Eskimo Spy!" and everyone dies laughing.  Don't try to prove me wrong.  I'd like to continue on with that mental image!

This episode is famous especially for the fact that it was released on Rhino's set Volume 10... and then recalled due to some rights mishap.  The set was then RE-released, with a different episode in its place.  You may be able to find an official release of this one, but they are quite rare.  Good luck with that; I have my copy.

Favourite line:  "You said it, my little heart-buddy bachelor friend."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

0211: First Spaceship On Venus

MST3k, Experiment #0211

This Is A First! Fantastic! Unforgettable!  First Spaceship On Venus.

Originally released in East Germany as Der Schweigende Stern ("The Silent Star") and in Poland as Milczaca Gwiazda, First Spaceship on Venus was partially intended as an anti-nuclear tract. In 1985, a strange, extraterrestrial spool is discovered, leading to a manned expedition to Venus. The multinational crew includes American Brinkman, African Talua, and Japanese Sumiko Ogimura. After several special-effects setpieces (and reams of dogmatic dialogue later), the crew lands on Venus, only to discover that the planet's population was wiped out by a nuclear error. Some of the crew members die horrifically, and the surviving members of the expedition return to earth with a warning for all mankind.

If anything, I'm really just too tired to be rambling about this right now...  I know I will be struggling to stay awake through tonight's episode, so I will make this very short.  This movie is dumb.  Well, they all are, but this one especially.  The episode was fair and entertaining, so I am always glad to watch it... although Servo's sarcasm level (which was being tweaked with at the start of the episode) got really annoying as the episode went on.  At the end, it caused his head to relatively explode, and I really think that should have happened by the second host segment.

A favourite bit of mine though is always Servo's "Klack" commercial.  It's just so absurd... and in a good way. (Unlike Joey the Lemur, which is just... absurd.)

One last thing before I pass out:  The entire end credits roll to the sound of Dr. Forrester retching.  Definitely entertaining if you can handle vomit humour!!!

Favourite line:  "MY transmitter?! Look, dickweed..."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

0210: King Dinosaur

MST3k, Experiment #0210

X Marks The SpotAverage Joe Doakes is a terrible driver and drives his poor, strange-looking guardian angel to exhaustion keeping him safe. Finally, his angel takes a rest...just long enough for Joe to kill himself in a terrible car accident. In the celestial courtroom, Joe presents his case to the divine judge who will decide if he can return to earth or move into death. Joe's angel presents the evidence of Joe's road rage. After the angel presents his case, he is released from his duties, leaving Joe and the judge. The judge poses the question to the audience: is he suitable to return to life, or should he be condemned to death?

See a Prehistoric World of Fantastic Adventure Come to Life!  King Dinosaur.

Blasting off to a newly discovered planet called Nova, which moved into our solar system, four explorers behold a fantastic adventure. The mysterious new planet has similar characteristics of Earth, except it is home to terrifying monsters like giant snakes, giant ants, mutated alligators, and most terrifying of all, King Dinosaur, a strange lizard-like being that is a fatal threat to the explorers. Can these people survive this planet and escape?

Okay we finally have a short that isn't part of a serial.  This is the first "educational" short of the series, and it's apparently narrated by Elmer Fudd.  This was a pretty good one... I have always enjoyed traffic shorts, as well as hygiene shorts.  Well here we have a traffic short with a guardian angel telling a judge just how good of a job he did at keeping the driver from getting killed any time sooner.  What a lesson we learn on responsible driving.

As for the rest of the episode, this was a decent one.  Nothing overly special, with the small exception maybe of The Joey The Lemur Song.  I agree with most reviews I've read of this, which say that this is one of the most bizarre segments ever done.  I know they didn't really do any drugs or anything, but this bit makes me wonder just what Joel alone was on at the time.  He forgets or messes up his lines every few seconds, and well... it's just weird.  The whole bit is just... yeah...  You'll have to watch it to truly grasp it, and even then you won't have any real idea.

Oddly though, today's featured article on Wikipedia is the "ruffed lemur."  Coincidence?  I think not... Okay, so I'm sure it is.

Favourite line:  "Over there, that's Mick Jagger's cloud. Stay off of it."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Moron (More On) Booths

Okay so yeah... This is the sequel to my previous poem "Couples In Booths"  I was at Jack's the other night, and I spent the entire time trying to wrap my mind around something...  This is the result.


I've made comment
on couples sitting in booths,
two to a side,
leaving the other side empty.

I can at least understand
the logic behind it.
I just think it's stupid.

What I don't understand
is what brought a group of four
to sit lopsided in a booth.

Three on one side,
one on the other.

Two of the three, I could tell
were a couple. But
I don't understand the third's
reasons for not sitting in the other bench.

The best I can figure:
"You smell. I refuse to sit next to you."

Saturday, March 13, 2010

0209: The Hellcats

MST3k, Experiment #0209

Motorcycle Mamas on a Highway to Hell!  The Hellcats.

Fearsome but well-built femme bikers cause low-budget desert mayhem when they begin smuggling Mexican drugs across the border. When they discover a detective hot on their tail, their enigmatic male leader has the gals kill him. Unfortunately, they don't count on the slain gumshoe's ex-girlfriend and brother teaming up to capture them. To do so, the girlfriend dresses up as a biker chick and joins the gang. Real trouble roars up when she is discovered, and violence ensues.

Here we see a movie written by the same dipwad who wrote Sidehackers.  Already this sounds like a bad idea, and it is.  Personally, I feel that was a far better movie, and that's saying a lot.  At least there was coherence in that one... but in The Hellcats, there is just, well I don't know.  It just sucks... and hard.  The best example I can think of is the motorcycle race that they didn't show.  The camera stayed focused on the spectators standing around waiting for the race to come back around to them.  Yes, the movie is that bad.

The episode itself may very well be the worst one ever, but it's definitely the worst one yet.  The host segments are just Joel and the bots reminiscing about prior events through flashbacks to other episodes.  The best part of the entire episode was when Crow was fiddling with his cassette player, and accidentally played a bit of himself singing the theme from Hellcats.

Favourite line:  "Let's cut for drugs, er, lunch!"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

0208: Lost Continent

MST3k, Experiment #0208

Rocket 180,000,000 Years into the Unknown!  Lost Continent.

In this adventure-fantasy, an American rocket ship crashes upon a remote island in the Pacific and an Air Force pilot, some scientists, and a couple of other guys (including an unfunny comic relief airplane mechanic) are assigned to find it. After lots and lots of rock climbing, they get to the island and suddenly discover that the island is populated by myriad extinct animals, including dinosaurs.

Alright, I just want to say that I think this is my all-time favourite invention exchange ever... of all time... ever.  Joel doesn't even get to show his invention, but what Frank does is absolutely incredible and one of the funniest things I have ever seen.  (Spoiler Alert)  First, he invents a mobile treadmill, which moves around as you walk on it, providing you with transportation as you walk...  Next, he shows his new stepping machine, which has multiple levels, one for each step getting further up as you go.  "Way to go Frank, you just invented stairs."  The third invention he demonstrates is a rowing machine with a boat attached underneath, allowing you to go out onto the lake and enjoy the tranquility while you exercise.  If you ever have any wonder about the sense of humour style I have, this is basically it.  Subtle stupidity delivered as brilliance.

Okay, so I mentioned last time that I figured the lack of stinger was due to production mis-ordering... I was wrong.  One of the first things they mention is what aired "last week" which happened to be Wild Rebels.  Oh well, they just decided not to have a stinger last week for some reason.

Anyways, this movie is a pile of dreck.  It actually has clips of the previously riffed movie Rocketship X-M scattered throughout... other parts are almost straight out of Jungle Goddess... and the rest is just stop-motion hell.  I found it hard to even pay attention to this one, but there were plenty of great jokes to keep me semi-focused as I distracted myself with my computer and food.

They did wear one or two jokes into the ground, all in the span of a sequence of scenes... into the ground yes, but it never was unfunny.  I laughed each and every time someone asked "You ever fly one of these things?!"

While I wouldn't suggest avoiding this episode, I also wouldn't commonly really recommend it over many others, simply due to the movie being bland and boresome.  Good, but not great.

Favourite line:  "Oh yeah, I'm the jerk. It couldn't be your crappy rocket."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

0207: Wild Rebels

MST3k, Experiment #0207

They Live for Kicks... Love for Kicks... Kill for Kicks!  Wild Rebels.

After one crash too many, race car driver Rod throws in the towel only to be recruited by a motorcycle gang to be a getaway driver for their next bank robbery.

Sound thrilling, doesn't it!?  It's not...  What it is, however, is an awesome episode of MST3k.  There really isn't much to this movie, but the jokes are great and come often... Even better are the host segments.  Joel sings a song from the movie, and sings it to Gypsy, who's been down in the dumps...  Oh, about that too, the first segment involves Joel shutting off the "higher functions" of the SOL so Gypsy can talk normally to him and tell him what's the matter.  This is one of the few times over the run of the show that Gypsy speaks really intelligently.

My favourite segment though is the "Wild Rebels Cereal" song.  Yet another song I start singing when I see the title of this movie... it makes me happy!!

Anyways, there's no stinger on this episode.  My guess, as always, is that the production order was different than the airing order.  But yeah, not much else to say, except "Watch this episode. You won't be disappointed."

Favourite line:  "I wonder if I could kill him with a cigarette."

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

0206: Ring Of Terror

MST3k, Experiment #0206

The Phantom Creeps - Chapter Three
.  Dr. Zorka desperately tries to guard a meteor fragment from which he derives his destructive powers. Dr. Mallory invents the “neometer,” an instrument he believes will detect the presence of Zorka’s meteorite. Government agents Bob West and Jim Daly, armed with the neometer, capture Zorka's assistant Monk while he is trying to escape with a heavy case. While taking Monk to headquarters, Bob attempts to open the insulated case. But the case contains the dangerous meteorite fragment, and opening the case unleashes such a destructive force that it demolishes several electrical towers along the roadside, not to mention the agents’ car.

Ring Of Terror.

Med student Lewis Moffitt harbours a secret fear of the dark stemming from a traumatic childhood incident involving a corpse. Nonetheless, he pretends to be unaffected during the first autopsy witnessed by his class, and generally affects an attitude of fearlessness. This, however, inspires his would-be frat brothers to conceive a particularly morbid initiation ritual -- one which will, inevitably, go horribly awry.

Yeah, still really don't like Servo's new "haircut" ... I can't wait til it changes back.  Anyways, this is a classic.  A movie about young college students, played by actors in their 40's.  There is no shortage of age jokes, and they never get old.  (Pun intended.)

Some weird little tidbits:  Joel's jumpsuit is green, Tom Servo is still cyllindrical (as previously mentioned), the short comes AFTER the feature (the only time this happens, I believe), the very last "good thing/bad thing for ramchips" is highly welcome (never did like that bit), and TV's Frank has his first song.

Frank, ahh Frank... I love all of his songs.  "If Chauffers Ruled The World" is a great beginning to Frank's on-screen musical catalogue.  I think this musical number really shows the comedic genius that is TV's Frank.

All of the host segments are great!  My personal favourite mocks a scene from the movie, where the medical students watch an autopsy on a dead body.  Joel performs an autopsy on a vacuum, causing Gypsy to faint not once, but twice.  "Eww, Gypsy's chunking!!!"

Favourite line:  "Now, Dr. Mallory will be represented by the oboe."

Monday, March 08, 2010

Midget Sex (for Lori)

Well, over the weekend, just to make things interesting, I asked a few people for topic suggestions for this week's (and maybe future weeks') poem.  Some of the suggestions (specifically from Lori) were just weird... I think she was drunk, but she claims she wasn't.  Anyways, I wrote this out of spite:


I asked Lori
for suggestions.
Topics for my poems,
that's all I asked...

Lori told me to write
about my sexual encounter
with a midget.

The big problem here
is that I don't think
they like being called

Little people.
Even that sounds a tad degrading.

I suppose the topic
of sex with little people
just doesn't have quite
the same ring to it.

The second,
and slightly lesser problem
with this topic:

I never had sex with a midget, Lori.

Friday, March 05, 2010

0205: Rocket Attack U.S.A.

MST3k, Experiment #0205

The Phantom Creeps - Chapter Two
Dr. Zorka continues to elude the authorities, using his invisibility belt and deadly mechanical spider. Military intelligence agent Bob West fights and overcomes Dr. Zorka’s assistant Monk. Bob then pursues an automobile into the hills, believing it is driven by someone who has learned Zorka’s secrets. Jean Drew, plucky girl reporter, accompanies Bob as he searches the abandoned car. Bob discovers a strange disk, which the invisible Zorka has planted in the deserted car. Death by mechanical spider seems imminent for Bob and Jean.

From Another Continent ... Destruction!!! Panic!! ... before the Rocket Strikes!  Rocket Attack U.S.A.

A cold-war propaganda film, released not too long after the launch of Sputnik, intended to rally public support for an anti-ballistic missile program. Based on the assumption that Sputnik is gathering intelligence for the Soviets, a spy is sent to Moscow to determine just how far along their missile program is. Surprise, surprise; Sputnik gave them all the data they need to build one nuclear missile, which is ready to launch against the U.S.

Okay, I already do NOT like Tom Servo's new look.  Thankfully, he only lasts a few episodes as a cylinder... but that's a few episodes too many.  They were trying something new, and you can't hate 'em too much for that, considering they didn't stick with it... but it's still stupid!!!

This episode marks the first appearance of the "stinger" or in layman's terms, the little short clip of the movie shown after the end credits of the episode.  This is a famous and VERY beloved tradition that carried on through the entire rest of the show's run.  It's definitely something that will keep a person sitting, watching the credits, waiting to see the clip.  I very happily recall all the many episodes I saw on their first run, and the giddy anticipation of seeing what clip they chose for the stinger.  Gotta love it!!!

Uhm, not much to say though... the short, well... the entire Phantom Creeps serial is a pile of nonsense that is hard to follow.  The only real way I know what's going on at all is from reading the summary I posted above.  The movie on this episode blows... but the riffing is top-notch.  The jokes are about as good as they could ever get for this movie, and they don't disappoint.

A joke (I believe) Servo made that is actually one of my favourites from a much later episode (0511: Gunslinger) made me chuckle... it's such a running joke in the later episode, but here it was just lone and subtle.  I won't go into detail explaining it, so you'll have to watch for yourself, but the line is "Come out!"  Those of you who know Gunslinger will hopefully have a nice laugh at that thought... the rest of you can shut up.

Favourite line:  "This is my skull! Stick around and find out how THAT could have happened."

Thursday, March 04, 2010

0204: Catalina Caper

MST3k, Experiment #0204

Never Steal Anything Wet.  Catalina Caper.

A beach movie. A scroll is stolen from an art gallery and taken to Catalina Island, where the thieves plan to use it to swindle Lakopolous, a Greek art collector. They plan to show him the real scroll, then deliver a fake. Lakopolous, however, turns out not to be rock-stupid, and tries to steal the scroll himself. Meanwhile, the thieves' son figures out what his folks are up to and cooks up an improbable scheme that will allow him to steal the scroll back and return it. During this, the whole troupe are under surveillance from a mysterious guy who keeps pulling prat falls. All of which is *completely incidental* to the story of the love interest between Don and Katrina, the blonde guy who always has women flocking to him for no perceptible reason, and the "spontaneous" music and dance numbers

Okay so yeah... Tommy Kirk. Little Richard. A poor attempt at slapstick goofball humour. Scantily clad women.  That's about all I can say in general regards to this movie.

As for the episode, we get our first occurance of TV's Frank saying one of MY personal favourite lines: a simple noise.  I find myself saying "A-yunk-a-YEEE!" whenever I think of it and get the chance.  I always forget when this first appeared or even WHY it appeared...  Here's the first appearance, but I'm still at a loss of where this came from.  I remember him adding it to some sounds after saying "Karaoke" on a later episode, but unless that was filmed before this one and the episodes appeared out of order (it's happened before), that wasn't the origin.

A little about the riffs during the movie, I've always been fond of Servo singing along with Little Richard's "Scuba Party," changing the lyrics to "At the party! The Nazi Party! ... Everybody!!!"  The riffs are generally rather good on this episode...  The movie makes it easy though.

And another line that made me laugh really hard was during the host segment where Joel went on a rant about life in the sixties.  "No Joel, you can't go to Woodstock. You're only nine years old."  Brilliant.

Another good episode.  Not excellent, but not too bad at all.

Favourite line:  "How's your little fish?"

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

0203: Jungle Goddess

MST3k, Experiment #0203

The Phantom Creeps - Episode 1
The evil Dr. Zorka, having discovered the secrets of suspended animation and invisibility, is plotting to rule the world (of course). Zorka has developed a mechanical spider which will destroy whoever holds an electrically charged wafer. He refuses to turn the invention over to the U.S. government and is determined to sell it to whichever country is the highest bidder. Zorka's former colleague, Dr. Mallory, believes Zorka is guilty of treason. Mallory contacts military intelligence, and agents are sent to question Zorka. To throw the agents off his trail, the mad scientist fakes his death in a car crash using the body of a hitchhiker. Later, plucky girl reporter Jean Drew stows away on the military airplane which is bringing Zorka’s wife to identify the scientist's body. The plane is destroyed by one of Zorka's mechanical spiders which Zorka had previously planted on his wife.

Jungle Goddess:

Greta Venderhorn, a young girl, is the only survivor of a plane crash in the African jungle at the beginning of World War II, and she is rescued by a tribe of natives who proclaim her as their "White Goddess." Six years later, two ex-Army Air Corps pilots, Mike Patton and Bob Simpson, searching for the plane wreckage spot it, and land in an attempt to find the missing girl. It seems that Gloria's father's will stipulates that the person or persons that find his daughter, dead or alive, will receive a large reward. They find the village and Gloria, and learn that she has had all she wants of playing Miss White Goddess of 1948, so she, Mike and Bob plan to escape and head back for civilization. of the two men discovers that there is nearby a valuable deposit of ore, and he decides that he wants the ore... and the reward... and Gloria all for himself. Plus, the tribe witch doctor, Oolonga, isn't all that happy that these two intruders are making off with the White Goddess and the tribe's ore.

While not the strongest episode, it was still quite decent.  The host segment mocking infomercials was rather lame and kind of grated on my nerves a bit, but aside from that I can't complain much.  I did fall asleep for a tiny bit near the end of the movie, but it was late and it's not like I haven't seen it many times already.

We get a nice serial short at the beginning... I'm personally a fan of the educational ones, but the serials are okay.  This one had Bela Lugosi, who always makes a fun riff experience.  The main feature was some sludge about two guys trying to find a missing girl, simply for the reward.  Upon finding her, one of the guys gets way too trigger-happy and shoots practically anything he can, especially when that's the worst thing to do at the moment.  Joel and the bots thankfully make a point to comment on the extremely racial stereotype of the natives in the film.  The movie really does drag out much longer than it should have, especially near the end, which may be why I fell asleep so easily.

I think this may be the first on-screen appearance of Jim Mallon, as the trigger-happy character from the film...  Maybe he appeared as someone else before, but not recogniseably.  Of course, I think he was doing the voice of Gypsy at this time, but that doesn't really count as "on-screen appearance."

I always enjoy the very simple "Gobos" segment, demonstrating the binocular mattes and so on... As soon as this bit began, I giggled and shouted "The nope scope!!!"  Joel is correct: it is "ever-popular."

During the final segment, Joel introduces Crow as "Art Crow" in a joke satiring Art Carney's casting in The Honeymooners...  Apparently this caused a viewer to call Crow "Art" in a future letter, spawning a wonderful running joke where Crow is referred to as "Art", mostly by Dr. Forester's mother Pearl.  Keep that in mind when we reach the last three(3) to four(4) seasons.

Favourite line:  "My partner shot HIM too!"

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

0202: The Side Hackers

MST3k, Experiment #0202

HARD RIDERS! Mounted on Burning Steel!  ...with only their leathers between THEM and HELL!  The Side Hackers:

Motorcycle racer Rommel and his fiancée Rita become friendly with a biker gang led by the unstable J.C. When Rita is raped and murdered by J.C. in a jealous rage, Rommel gathers some biker pals and goes on a hunt for vengeance.

So, we have not just one, but two character cameos in this episode, both from the current movie... We have not one, but two songs performed by Joel and the bots... We have a horribly laughable movie that provides plenty of running gags... We have excellent bits by Dr. Forester and TV's Frank...  Dare I say that this is chronologically the first perfect episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000?!  I really truly can't think of a single thing I dislike about this episode.  There wasn't a single joke I didn't find hillarious, and I was rather sad when the episode came to an end.

This movie is a thing of legend in MST3k-dom.  When the group first sat down to watch the movie, they realised there was a brutal rape/murder scene in the middle of it... This brought about a rule that they should always watch a movie in its entirety before deciding to use it.  I, for one, am glad they didn't have that rule when they decided on The Side Hackers, or we may have never had this epsiode.  They properly cut the rape scene, and aside from the fact that the scene even existed in the first place, this is a classic movie for riffing.  I absolutely love all the incessant "Rommel you magnificent son of a bitch. I read your book." jokes, and I still say "I WILL... I will DO it... I will do IT...  I WILL..." whenever I get a chance.  In fact, just a few days ago (before even realising I'd be watching this episode so soon) I was sitting at my desk at work, rambling about that for a good ten(1) minutes.

This is a magnificent episode, and I highly suggest buying it, if you haven't already!!!

Favourite line:  "They built a whole movie around it!"

Monday, March 01, 2010

What Did I Get Myself Into?

Long weekend... I got a lot of stuff done, which is good, but I ended up exhausted by 8p last night.  I wrote this:


"Just one a week"
I said.

"I'll just write about anything"
I said.

"It will be easy"
I convinced myself.

Well here I find myself,
sitting at my laptop,
wondering what to write.

I guess sometimes
a simple topic
just isn't that simple
of a thing to come by.

"Anything will do"
I said.

Maybe I should just write
about this...

Yeah, this works.