Thursday, April 29, 2010

0323: The Castle of Fu Manchu

MST3k, Experiment #0323

He's Back!!! The World's Most Evil Man with a Fiendish Plan of Conquest.  The Castle of Fu Manchu.

The evil mastermind Fu Manchu plots his latest scheme to basically freeze over the Earth's oceans with his diabolical new device. Opposing him is his arch-nemesis, Interpol's very British Dr. Nayland Smith.

What in the hell is going on in this movie?!  I think I can honestly say that this is the worst movie of my marathon so far.  I had a hard time following it, as well as paying attention... It's just bad.  That's really all I am going to say about the movie...

The episode though... this one hard me in tears, I was laughing so hard.  Tom Servo was himself crying throughout most of the movie, mainly due to how horrible the movie was.  The dreadfulness of this movie shows, as nearly every host segment is filled with crying robots and dialogue on how bad this film is.  The mads were quite pleased at finding a movie that finally broke Joel and the bots... so much that they decided to try their hand at riffing it themselves, only to fail miserably.

One of my favourite bits through the movie was Crow constantly adding television announcer dialogue, such as "Next time on The Castle of Fu Manchu..." only to be sushed each and every time by Joel or Servo.

The movie ended with Crow stating "This really wasn't a very good movie, was it Joel?" and Servo shouting "Even the end credits suck!"  As painful as this movie is to sit through, I have to say that it's worth it for the excellent riffing alone.

Favourite line:  "The plot's starting to make sense! Run!"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

0322: Master Ninja I

MST3k, Experiment #0322

The Master Is Here! He's the supreme warrior. Even his eyes can kill you. His student is the supreme heartthrob. His eyes can melt you.  Master Ninja I.

Two episodes of "The Master" pasted together. In the first half, Max Keller meets John Peter McAlister, an American who remained in Japan after the war and became a Ninja. He has returned to America to locate his newly-discovered daughter, and agrees to tutor Max in becoming a Ninja as well. During this, they help a father and daughter fend off an unscrupulous land developer who is trying to get hold of their airport. In the second half, Keller and McAlister aid a nightclub owner and his daughter in fending off members of the Asian Mafia, who are trying to take over their club. During all this, McAlister is pursued by an enemy Ninja, who wishes to kill him for breaking oath and leaving Japan.

I vaguely remember saying something about Crow rants in my last blogue post...  We get yet another fabulous rant in one of the host segments of this episode.  Crow goes on and on about a conspiracy called "The Van Patten Project" and it's one of the many greatest bits of the show.  Ahhh, Crow is aw3summz0rz0rz!!!!!11111oneoneone.

This movie(?) is a great reminder of how horrible some of the shows that came out in the 80's were... Geez, what were they thinking?!  "Well this guy is a mushmouth stoner... let's match him up with an old pseudo-ninja. Wackiness ensues!!!"  This show gives me one of my many random lines I use in public to confuse people: "My name is Max Keller. I'm a master ninja."

The best part of this episode is the Master Ninja Theme Song, which I may very well make my new cell ringtone.  They even drag the song out over the end credits to maximize your enjoyment!

Favourite line:  "Boy, is this ever Japan."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

0321: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

MST3k, Experiment #0321

Blast off for Mars...with Santa and a pair of Earth kids! Science-Fun-Fiction at its height!  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extoll the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

This movie would make more sense if it had been made by the Japanese.  Instead, we have here an American-made movie, proving that yes, we did in fact make movies just as bad as our friends across the Pacific.  We make so much fun of Japanes movies from this era; we forget that our movies really weren't that much better.

This episode falls in with "Manos: The Hands of Fate" as being apparently one of two "essential" episodes.  Yeah, I'd say that fits pretty well.  This is a must-see and graces my holiday viewing each and every year.  The film starts off with a bang, in the form of a horrid little song... children singing "Hooray for Santy Claus!" ...the same song that ends the movie.  Joel and the bots stay upbeat through the entire thing, and the excitement shows from the very start.  They even stay behind to sing along at the end.  "But we'd miss THIS!"

As for host segments, the best comes (of course) in the form of a song: "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."  This song has become a holiday standard, and the Road House references make it quite apparent that Mike Nelson was the creator of this one.  I've learned over the years that basically any and every Swayze or Road House reference comes from the mind of Mike.

Also of note is Crow's holiday essay.  First of all, I must say that I really love when Crow writes and reads essays.  His lack of literate learning adds a nice dimension to the character, and it never fails to make me laugh.  I really think this bit is one of Trace's best moments as Crow.  I usually tend to prefer Bill's Crow most often, as it's just more my style of biting humour, but it's times like this one that remind me of just how great Trace's Crow was as well.  I think I just really love a good Crow rant.

Great episode, DEFINITELY one of the "essentials" and you should go buy this one immediately... or wait until Christmas.

Favourite line:  "Santa Claus was killed in Vietnam."

Monday, April 26, 2010


Here is today's poem, albeit a bit late.


How do you un-sign-up for spam?
I am not talking the canned meat.
I mean the type that comes
in droves to your email inbox.

I never really signed up
for any of this in the first place.
In fact, I have a whole other
email address
specifically for things like this.

Yet still, here it all comes.

Maybe if it was canned meat,
I'd be able to get rid of it easier.
Perhaps I wouldn't want it to stop.

How can I subscribe to canned meat?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

0320: The Unearthly

MST3k, Experiment #0320

Posture Pals
.  Four children decide to better themselves through posture, with help from their teacher Ms. Martin. Tommy wants to have good health, Jimmy wants to stand straight and tall, Jane wants to grow tall, and Mary wants to look pretty. All four children have great posture in the end, but did they really win when you think about it?
Appreciating Your Parents.  This is the story of a boy named Tommy, who can't do anything for himself. He rethinks his symbiotic relationship with his parents, and decides to become a "team player". And, he finds out what Mom and Dad do after he goes to bed...

An Army of Mutants on a Mission from Hell!  The Unearthly.

Professor Charles Conway is a mad scientist attempting to develop the proverbial fountain of youth by creating "the 17th gland". Ignoring all aspects of scientific ethics, his research subjects are people who have no family and are under the impression that the doctor can cure their depression. However, his research hasn't been successful and his subjects are turned into grotesque zombies. Some of Conway's patients begin to catch on to his scheme and intend to stop him.

Here we have a typical mad scientist movie...  Some mad scientist is trying to find the secret of youth and is trying his experiments out on random people who come to stay in his house.  Every single one of this type of movie has Tor Johnson as the big brute thug, and I think a good many of them have either John Carradine or Bela Lugosi as the scientist/doctor.  This one has Carradine... and not much else.

What this movie DOES have though is the famous (and often repeated) Tor Johnson line "Time for go to bed."

This is one of the few episodes that gives us two(2) shorts before the movie, and these shorts do not disappoint.  These two(2) are so incessantly funny that they prove the need for seperate collections of shorts on DVD.  If the riffs during the movie that follows weren't so incredible, I'd say that the shorts were all that's needed...

All-in-all, a terrific episode that will leave you laughing from start to finish.

Favourite line:  "Her thermometer popped up. She's done!"

Thursday, April 22, 2010

0319: War of The Colossal Beast

MST3k, Experiment #0319

Mr. B. Natural
.  A sexually androgynous spirit of music teaches Buzz Turner how to be cool.

SEE a Sixty Foot Giant Color!  War of The Colossal Beast.

A mysterious series of food truck robberies makes government officials doubt that the 60-foot tall Colossal Man is dead. He is discovered in a desolate mountain range in Mexico, insane and horribly disfigured. The military drugs him and transports him back to America where he promptly escapes and wreaks havoc on a city.

The sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man, starring someone completely different as Glenn Manning... and instead of a fiance, he now has a sister who looks insanely like the fiance from the first movie.  My guess is that they could mask (literally) the different actor as Glenn, but with someone else playing the fiance, they changed the character to be his sister.  That's just a guess, but it would make the most sense.

Either way, this movie is no-where near as awesome as the original (which means it sucks even worse), and really reminds me a lot of the second Jurassic Park.  Don't ask me why... maybe it's just the secrecy in the first one, contrasted with the public tromp through a city in the second movie.  Oh, one note on the movie... it's all in black & white until the moment Glenn touches the power lines, when the film suddenly becomes colourized... but no munchkins.

Oh well, enough of this movie... on to Mr. B.!!!  This is the most popular short of the entire series... and some would say the most popular twenty(20) minutes of the entire series.  I have to admit that it's not my favourite.  I like it, sure, but there are PLENTY more shorts that I love much, much more than this.  Oh well, everyone else seems thinks it's the best thing ever... I just can't figure out why.

Anywho, the short is all about a lady, dressed as a sort of Peter Pannish guy, who keeps appearing to this dumb kid and won't stop shrieking at him about music.  In no time, the kid is playing trumpet as well as Herb Alpert.  Ta-da.  Yeah, it's stupid and that's why the jokes are great... specifically the ones about the kid being confused as to why he's turned on by Mr. B.

I still prefer the hygiene shorts best.

Also, Mike Nelson shines yet again as colossal man Glenn Manning.  I always chuckle at Glenn wearing bi-focals and reading one of the viewer letters.  He's such a nice guy.

Favourite line:  "We want to show you more slides!!"

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

0318: Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

MST3k, Experiment #0318

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II.

In this second film compiled from two episodes of a Japanese TV serial, Captain Joe, reformed interstellar marauder Ken and the rest of the crew of the Backus-3 set off to destroy an alien race's super-weapon, face off with Ken's vengeful ex-lover Rita and confront the sinister leader of the marauding Star Wolves.

Okay, I'm going short today, because I've been feeling meh and I really don't have much to say about this one that I haven't said before.

Joel and the bots pointed out several times throughout the movie that it was about as incoherent as Might Jack.  I agree whole-heartedly.  This really is about four(4) minutes worth of plot, muddled into an hour and a half.  The rest is just nonsense.

This movie is so bad that Servo kinda breaks down, and an entire host segment is spent reviving him while Crow narrates in Shatner form.

That's about it.

Favourite line:  "You know, they'd win a lot more wars if their national anthem was shorter."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

0317: Viking Women and The Sea Serpent

MST3k, Experiment #0317

The Home Economics Story
.  Kay wants to go to Iowa State College and major in home economics. She and her friends have a great time in school and learn about the diverse careers that a home ec degree can lead to!

The Raw Courage of Women Without Men Lost in a Fantastic Hell-on-Earth!  Viking Women and The Sea Serpent.

In the Viking era, somewhere in the North Atlantic area, the Viking Women are awaiting the return of their Viking Men from a hunting expedition and, growing tired of the long wait, the Viking women, led by Desir, (and, possibly desire as Viking Nights are long and cold), set sail in search of their Viking Men. In the course of the journey, their ship is destroyed and a handful (of the best-looking ones) are washed upon an island. There, they find their Viking Men, who are being kept prisoners in a large rock quarry by a primitive band of Viking-era Barbarian Warriors. With much resourcefulness, they rescue the men-folk and all set sail for Viking Land, pursued hotly by the Barbarian Warriors. But the pursuit party is destroyed by a Viking-era Sea Monster, who then turns its attentions upon the Viking Flotilla, but Vedrick the Viking tosses a sword at the Sea Monster, which instantly deflates it.

Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!!!  I'd have to say that this is my all-time favourite episode, even if only for one simple word: Waffles!!!  Waffle-mania has taken over the SOL and not only is every host segment all about the joy of waffles, but the delicious breakfast food has even found its way into the theater.  From what I recall, it was all Mike's idea to dedicate an entire episode to waffles, even going so far as to insist on it when much better ideas came along... but who could blame him?!  I mean, come on... Waffles!!!

The Waffle Song is easily one of my favourite songs through the entire series, and Gypsy is my favourite part of the Waffle Song.  Oh boy howdy, waffles.  Also of specific note is the incredibly long host segment, where Joel simply states "Waffles!" and is immediately called back into the theater.

As for the movie... it's yet another Corman film, full of walking and all.  The original title is The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent... Yeah, okay.  I am pretty sure it was filmed around the same time as Teenage Caveman, because it's very obviously filmed at the same location as Teenage Caveman. The same dogs are even in both movies.  Geez, Corman...  You need some waffles.

Favourite line:  "How 'bout a little sugar for the Todd-Monster?"

Monday, April 19, 2010

They Can't All Be Winners

I kept pushing this one off, but here it is...


I type a line of a poem.
Read it, then backspace.
Every so often, I "select all"
and then delete.

But most of the time,
I end up just writing random thoughts,
hoping it ends up cohesive,
and leave it at that.

Once in a while,
something good comes out...
The rest is pure crap.
Now repeat the title of this poem.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

0316: Gamera Vs. Zigra

MST3k, Experiment #0316

Gamera Vs. Zigra.

A moon base is destroyed by a spaceship with a cluster of gumballs on its head. Later, at Sea World, dolphins are dying mysteriously. Zigra kidnaps two men and two children (one of whom is a Coke addict - Coca-Cola that is) and starts causing earthquakes. The two six year olds somehow outwit Zigra and help their incapacitated fathers escape. The Zigra Woman, who can use her eyes to put people into comas, then chases them all over Sea World like an extended Benny Hill skit. Somewhere in this movie Gamera finally shows up, fights Zigra, who turns into a giant swordfish.

At last... the last of the Gamera movies!!!  I really do have a sorta love/hate relationship with the Gamera films.  On one hand, I hate them and consider them horrid pieces of trash... on the other hand, I love torturing myself by watching them.

This one has to be the corniest of them all, perfectly represented by the scene where Gamera plays Zigra's back like an instrument and then dances around a bit as if to say "Look how awesome I am! Go me! Go me! It's my birthday!"

We are treated to some nice songs though.  The Gamera theme song is always enjoyable, and even the final host segment is dedicated to different renditions of the song.

Most of the host segments were a tad bland, but I will point out that Bridget Jones (eventually Nelson) made her first on-screen appearance as one of the kids from the movie, alongside her future husband Mike.  I think they make a cute couple, don't you?

Favourite line:  "Wait I found some more oxygen in a drawer. We're fine."

Thursday, April 15, 2010

0315: Teenage Caveman

MST3k, Experiment #0315

Aquatic Wizards
& Catching Trouble.  In Aquatic Wizards, many people water ski in slow motion throughout Cypress Gardens in Florida. In Catching Trouble, an overly enthusiastic wildlife trapper torments snakes, wildcats and bear cubs while his silent ethnic guide friend watches on.

Prehistoric Rebels Against Prehistoric Beasts!  Teenage Caveman.

Robert Vaughn stars as a white 25-year-old teenage caveman with styled hair who seeks to discover what is in the uncharted jungles beyond his tribe's campsite. It is against the Word (and the Word is the Law), but he breaks it anyway. Soon he discovers a strange creature which kills with its touch.

Oh neat.  A Corman film.

So, I know I bash on Corman, as do we all... but to be honest, a lot of his movies would actually have been quite good had there been a budget of more than a dollar.  This one is pretty decent.  We have a bunch of cave dwelling people in their little community, worshipping something-er-rather, and applying some law that just kinda... exists.  One caveman, a forty(40) year old "teenager" who looks an awful lot like Kyle MacLachlan, decides that he wants to go rogue and start questioning everything.  This of course leads to his general exile, but whatever...  He goes off and explores, and we eventually find out that this wasn't in the past but in the future, as they are all our descendents after a nuclear holocaust and this is a run-on sentence now.

Kind of a cliche plot, but it's not all that horrible.  Well, yes, it is...  The movie kinda blows chunks, but all things considered, I can appreciate it for what it is: cheap.

The episode had some decent segments, most notably the fight scene between TV's Frank and Dr. Forester that extended through the entire episode.  Always some good fun with on-going jokes.  I definitely hope this one sees release someday.  I wouldn't mind some special features as well.

Favourite line:  "Hello, I just invented another torch."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

0314: Mighty Jack

MST3k, Experiment #0314

Mighty Jack.

The organization Mighty Jack is formed to combat the criminal syndicate known as "Q", and are given a large array of advanced weapons, chief among them being a high-tech submarine. Harold Hatari is abducted by Q, and Mighty Jack is dispatched to rescue him. Hatari is interrogated and threatened with blinding lights, but the Mighty Jack crew rescue him in the nick of time. Later, Q is discovered to be using "hot ice" (water that remains solid at room temperature) to create weapons and a secret ocean base disguised as an iceberg (though it's not precisely clear how hot ice could be a major world threat). Q then attempts to take over the Mighty Jack sub.

So uhm... Mighty Jack.  What!??  Yeah, Mighty Jack... I think.

Yeah, I could call this movie "easily forgettable" but that would really be understating it.  I honestly forgot what I had written already about this film, so I went back and checked my earlier blogue entry from the KTMA season(0).  Really, I think I about nailed it on the head there... so go read it, please.  It's probably the best description of the film I could have ever come up with, so no sense in redoing it.

As for the episode, the sketches were okay, but I think about as forgettable as the movie itself.  All in all, a rather passable episode, but I wouldn't suggest passing on it... There are still funny jokes, and that's worth it.

Favourite line:  "You know, this really isn't a very good movie."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

0313: Earth Vs. The Spider

MST3k, Experiment #0313

Using Your Voice
.  Professor E.C. Buehler tells us how to be effective speakers. He has a nifty wire rack to display his points on, and places an emphasis on being heard, understood, and especially "pleasing".

50 Tons of Creeping Black Horror! It Must Eat You to Live!  Earth Vs. The Spider.

Out with her friend Mike Simpson looking for her father who had not returned home the previous night, Carol Flynn finds his abandoned pickup truck. They decide to search nearby caves thinking the man may have sought shelter there. Inside however, they find a giant spider web and soon come face to face with the giant creature itself. With the help of their high school chemistry teacher, Art Klingman, they convince the police to search the caves. They spray DDT forcing the spider out of its lair and thinking it's dead, transport it to the local High School. Re-animated, the creature is soon wreaking havoc in the community. Learning that the creature has returned to its cave, the police decide to blow-up the entrance not realizing that Carol and Mike are also inside looking for the birthday gift Carol's father bought for her.

This is the favourite episode of one of my friends... Every time I watch it, I am insanely tempted to agree with him!!!  We're given one of the funniest educational shorts in the collection, and we're thrown an awesomely bad movie.  The riffing is top notch throughout the entire episode, and all the segments are classic.  So classic, in fact, that there's even some season one(1) references.

Okay, so the short...  Seriously, this one kills me!  "Uhhh, yeah, that's it... they attacked us, yeah."  Oh golly, so many quotable lines...  "Do I please you?! Am I pleasing??"  And every so often, I enjoy throwing out a reference to the "nice wire rack" from the short.

The movie is one dumb heap... I love all the process shots of the spider crawling along, superimposed over the film.  The best part though is when the high school band and drama club decide to play and dance in the gymnasium, despite the huge, massive, seemingly dead spider lying not even a metre away.  Why the hell would anyone do that?!  Oh no, it woke up the huge spider, and now it's attacking us!!!  Who didn't see THAT coming?!  I mean, seriously... even if I wasn't in a movie, I wouldn't go near a giant spider no matter how dead I thought it was.  But hey, what are you gonna do??

Ahhh the host segments...  Of course we all love the Spydor band segment, but my favourite is still the bots' reports at the end of the movie.  I can't hear Bert I. Gordon's name without thinking of Crow, mispronouncing it as "Bert I. Goron" and writing about The Attack of The Citizen Kane.

Of note are the few references to his own movies Gordon shoved into the film.  And they really aren't subtle either.

Favourite line:  "You smell like chicken."

Monday, April 12, 2010

A Poem About A Girl Walking Past My Apartment

It's Monday, so that means I get to post a new poem thing.  Well, here ya go:


I like to spend my free time
looking out the windows,
watching to see if anything interesting
might happen.

I'd hate to miss it if it ever does.

Yesterday, as I was peering out,
I saw a girl walking down the road,
one foot on the sidewalk,
the other in the gutter.

That alone was interesting enough for a chuckle,
but when she tripped, and had to keep from falling...

...I find enjoyment in the little things.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

0312: Gamera Vs. Guiron

MST3k, Experiment #0312

Will Gamera be a super turtle or turtle soup?  Gamera Vs. Guiron.

Three children, two boys and a girl, stumble upon a flying saucer. The boys both step in without hesitating, and are whisked away to a planet in Earth's orbit but on the exact opposite side of the Sun. Inhabiting this planet are two women with Midwestern accents, who hypnotize the children to find they fantasize about milk, donuts, and Gamera, our favorite hero turtle. The women simply want to eat their brains. Back home, no one will believe the little girl's story of alien abduction, not even Officer Concha (pronounced "Cornjob"). Finally, Gamera rescues the children while fighting Guiron, a monster with a giant knife for a nose. Gamera kills Guiron while doing gymnastics on a parallel bar and takes the kids home, where the kids hope for peace, understanding, and the end of traffic accidents.

Gamera!!!  I absolutely LOVE this episode AND the movie!!!  There is no other movie quite so cracked out that it's just good fun...  This is not only the best, but also the worst of all Gamera movies, and it's my favourite.  We get the new Gamera theme song, some more fun little tunes, and a LOT of really bad overdubs.  I mean, seriously bad.  It's as if the lines are fed to the voice-over people a few words at a time, and they have NO idea of what the entire sentence is as they read.  There are... lines read?!? ...... like this.  You really just have to see it to believe it.

So, this episode is just incredibly fun, and you can sorta tell that the team is about as sick as Gamera films as everyone else is...  They devote not just one(1) but two(2) whole segments to the Gamera theme, as well as an extended bit with the mads at the end, starring Mike Nelson as Michael Feinstein.  Mike really just shines in his little bit roles, and I have always loved the loungey piano version of the Gamera theme.

Anyways, fabulous episode, and this movie is just off the heezy-fo-sheezy, or whatever the kids say nowadays....

Favourite line:  "You belong to the press now, little girl..."

Thursday, April 08, 2010

0311: It Conquered The World

MST3k, Experiment #0311

Snow Thrills.
  A Sport Parade newsreel focuses on winter sports and activities that probably would result in any number of lawsuits nowadays. The fun includes ice skating, ice yachting, dog sledding, polar bear swimming, skiing (pronounced "schiing"), cross-country "schiing", ice fishing, "schi" jumping, "schi" joring (pronounced "horing"), and bobsledding.

Every Man Its Prisoner... Every Woman Its Slave!  It Conquered The World.

One of several remaining members of its race, an alien from Venus is guided to Earth by disgruntled scientist Tom Anderson, who tells it which humans it should attach mind control devices to. Among them is his old friend, fellow scientist Paul Nelson. Nelson, after killing a flying bat-thing which carries the device, finally persuades the paranoid Anderson that he's been wrong to ally himself with an alien bent on world domination. They hurriedly leave when they discover Tom's wife has picked up a rifle and gone to the alien's cave to try to kill it.

Hooray!  A Roger Corman film!!!  Sure, I guess that was a bit sarcastic, but honestly, I'd take this over another god-damned Gamera film any day.  (Yes, I know that the next episode is a Gamera film... I like to push that from my mind though.)  This really isn't all that bad of a movie, with a decent cast of Beverly Garland, Peter Graves, and Lee Van Cleef.  Yes, it's a stupid alien movie, but it's simple... and that is where most alien movies fail.  They try too hard and over-do things.

Of course, I'm a sucker for a Corman film AND I'm a suck for a movie with Peter Graves in it... and Beverly Garland is just smokin' anyways.

So yeah, decent movie for a bad one... and it IS bad... it's just not painful to watch or follow.  The episode itself is quite good.  The best part appearing at the end when Joel and the bots watch a scene from the film, and then cut to the mads watching the same scene from the film, and then the audio of that scene i played over the credits, and yes... the stinger is a line from the aforementioned scene.  Any change in the end credit sequence or audio is always welcome...  Keeps me laughing up through the stinger.

Maybe someday we'll get an official release of this one, with some new interviews with the late Peter Graves.  (Too soon?)

Favourite line:  "You were all bad guys, weren't you?"

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

0310: Fugitive Alien

MST3k, Experiment #0310

Marauding Wolf Raiders in Space Chase to the Death.  Fugitive Alien.

In this sci-fi flick edited down from a TV series, our hero is a Starwolf named Ken from the planet Valnastar. After disobeying orders and accidentally killing his best friend - a fellow soldier, Ken becomes a fugitive alien rescued by the Earth starship the Bacchus3. The crew of the Bacchus3 includes alcoholic Captain Joe, Rocky the pilot, some other guys, and Tammy the ‘morale officer.’ Ken joins the Bacchus3 team at Captain Joe’s invitation. At first, Rocky distrusts Ken, but later they become friends. And Tammy has an unrequited crush on Ken. Meanwhile, Ken’s friends’s sister Rita, who is also Ken’s girlfriend, is ordered by Valnastar ruler Lord Halkon to avenge her brother's death by finding and killing Ken. The Bacchus3 visits the planet Kararan. Ken leaves the ship, and gets himself thrown in prison. Via two-way radio, Captain Joe orders Ken to find a Colonel from the planet Caesar in the same prison and break him out. After accomplishing this mission, Ken abruptly runs into Rita. But Rita still loves Ken, so she can’t bring herself to kill him. Rita is then killed when she and Ken are attacked by Kararan guards. Ken and the Caesarean Colonel make it back to the Bacchus3. “To Be Continued” in episode 318.

Mike Nelson as Jack Perkins.  It's an impersonation so good, they worked it in to a (sorta) MST3k spin-off (sorta)...  Technically, it was just when Comedy Central cut the episode length in half to an hour, so they split episodes in half, hosted and introduced by Mike's Jack Perkins.  I call it a (sorta) spin-off (sorta), so shut up.

Anyways, what makes a great episode?!  Why, a mid-movie song, of course.  And on this episode, we got not one(1), not three(3), but two(2)... count 'em, TWO(2)...  T... O... O... WO... two(2) mid-movie songs, and boy howdy are they good ones!  The most popular, of course, is the "forklift" song... but my favourite to sing is "I love Ken, he is my dear friend, and I love him..."  Ahhh, good times.

But yeah... a movie about Ken, and Ken, and Ken, and Rocky, and Ken... Oh and Ken-- I mean Rita.  Read the description up there... That's all you need to know.

Excellent episode though.  Definitely a classic!!!

Favourite line:  "It's a voice-over, called 'love'."

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

0309: The Amazing Colossal Man

MST3k, Experiment #0309

Not even the U.S. Army can keep her away from the man she loved -- but only the U.S. Army can save her from the monster he became!  The Amazing Colossal Man.

During the test of a new weapon, a plutonium bomb, a plane crashes in the test area. Colonel Glen Manning fearing that someone may still be alive runs to the plane, but before he gets to the pilot, the bomb explodes and burns him over 90% of his body. He is then brought to the base hospital, but is not expected to survive the night. The next morning, Manning not only is still alive, but the burned tissue is completely healed. When his fiancée Carol Forrest arrives to visit she finds out that he as been moved as well as the physicians that have been working on him, Dr. Paul Coulter and Major Eric Lindstrom, M.D.. Through some checking on her own, Carol soon finds out where they are keeping Glen and is horrified to find out that the radiation has affected his cells and caused him to grow uncontrollably. The doctors search find a cure, but before they can administer it to him, he goes mad, escapes and begins terrorizing Las Vegas. They they corner him, but after they inject him with the formula to stop his growth, Manning picks up the needle and spears Major Lindstrom, killing him instantly. He then picks up Carol and makes off with her taking to Hoover Dam.

Oh thank heavens this isn't a fucking Gamera movie...  Yeah, I said it.

This movie, as well as this entire episode, is a classic.  We have an incredibly unbelievable and unlikely "miracle of science" that causes this man to heal and grow incredibly fast, after being blown up by an nuclear bomb... yeah, that's how it works, sure...  That's pretty much all there is to the movie, and it seriously has one of the most sudden endings in all cinematic history.  (Spoiler Alert:)  The giant man simply falls off the Hoover Damn and lands in the water below.  The end.  They don't show him dead or anything... no sililoquy... nothing.  Just the words "The End" suddenly on the screen.  Tada.

Okay, so during the invention exchange, we get what I believe is Kevin Murphy's first on-screen appearance.  Maybe it was earlier, but I don't remember it if it was... and I am not about to go reading all my prior reviews.  So, we'll just say it was on this episode.

Also, we're graced with Mike Nelson later as Glen, from the movie... He fits the role perfectly, looking and sounding about as close to the actor as anyone could get.  I've always loved the bits with Mike as Glen...

Anyways, all the riffing is brilliant... One of my favourite scenes is the scene in the hospital, as they are wheeling Manning out of one room and onto the elevator.  I laugh so hard, I cry at each and every joke.  I really actually had a hard time narrowing down one favourite line from the riffs, but I ended up with the one that made me pause the movie.  The runner up was "Poor bum's screams were muffled by a throatful of his own blood."  And the winner was...

Favourite line:  "How do these people keep up with him?!"

Monday, April 05, 2010

There Is A War

Brought on by a dream from the other night... one of two I thought about writing, and the only one I could get into words.


Off in the distance
fires burn, and guns a-blaze.
The ghosts of angels scream in horror.
The enemy has won, chilling the night
and filling our lives with sorrow.

Walk in the rain to cleanse your soul
for the fight to come.
It is you and the universe.
Every spirit turned against man,
you fight an impossible battle.

Dust, the smell of rain and
rotting flesh fill the air.
Stare into the vast horizon
and dream of better days.
A solitary tree leans upon you for rest.

Once the night arrives,
all hope has been lost.
Your soul torn from your throat,
by unseen forces who
left you to die.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

0308: Gamera Vs. Gaos

MST3k, Experiment #0308

Gamera Vs. Gaos.

A volcanic eruption rouses a huge triangle-headed vampire bat monster called Gaos who has steaming armpits, an ultrasonic yellow beam with laser-like cutting power, and a stereotypical craving for death and destruction. Giant heroic flying turtle Gamera appears and battles Gaos on two occasions, but he is forced to withdraw both times after being badly injured. Gamera is cheered on by a little kid named Itchy (aka Ichi). The military tries to burn Gaos with huge flamethrowers, but the monster's steaming armpits put the fires out. Scientists speculate that sunlight might be harmful to the giant bat-like creature, which would explain why it only appears at night. A plan to lure Gaos by placing a blood-like substance on top of a rotating restaurant is implemented. The scientists hope that the spinning action will disorient Gaos and that he will be unable to return to his underground lair when the sun rises. The plan works, at first, until the restaurant’s spinning mechanism breaks, and Gaos escapes. Gamera finally defeats Gaos by making him fly too close to the sun.

Yeah, I'm a day late. Shut up.

So, not only did I not really want to watch this movie again, but I really have no desire to even write about it.  It honestly felt like only a week or so ago that I watched the KTMA version...  Hell, go read that review.

The episode itself was better, of course... That should go without saying, which really leaves me with nothing else to say.

I'd say I'm sorry that this review isn't more "reviewy" but really I couldn't care less and I'm not sorry.  You try watching this shitty-ass movie over and over again.  You'll simply want to forget it even existed too.  So I'll return fresh from the weekend and (hopefully) much happier with the movie selection next week!

Favourite line:  "Nice day for it."

Thursday, April 01, 2010

0307: Daddy-O

MST3k, Experiment #0307

Alphabet Antics
.  A charming rhyme for children that teaches them the alphabet, including many now politically-incorrect things, dangerous sequences, and some plagiarism to boot.

Alive!! With the Beat and the Heat of Today's Rock-N-Roll Generation!  Daddy-O.

One of a kind - the only J-D film in which the hero is an accordion player: Truck driver Phil is forced off the road by playgirl---heavy on the play---Jana Ryan in her sports car. Later, she sees him singing in a club as "Daddy-O." He tells her she is the world's worst driver, and she challenges him to a race. They roar through the park side-by-side (in two vehicles it must be added)until apprehended by the police. A really bright gang recognizes Phil's great driving ability---(hey, he was side by side with Jana through the park)--- and they recruit him to be the driver of their really, really souped-up getaway car, although it does not have the Getaway logo on their car. Unknown to Jana, Phil is working WITH the police, and she tries to get him away from the gangsters, but she is captured by them. Phil overpowers the gang-leader (without having to resort to playing his accordion) and the rest are jailed, and he promises Jana he will give up driving for singing.

Here we have one of the best episodes of season three(3)... undoubtedly.  We get an educational short, a shitty one at that, and a really bad movie about teens in their thirties.  We are thrown a song, "Hike Your Pants Up" (aka, The Pants Up Song), which is a parody of the song in the movie, cleverly changed to comment on how all the characters have their pants pulled up to their chest somehow....  We're even given more Deep 13 plot with the Miracle Growth baby from the previous episode.

One notable bit about this movie is the fact that John Williams did the music.... The John Williams, composer and conductor, famous for the music from Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, etc. etc. etc.,  Too bad the soundtrack wasn't really all that great, but at least it didn't sound like everything else Williams has ever done.

One of my favourite bits is when Mike Nelson appears as the bespectacled thug from the movie... who looks like a muppet, by the way.  The bots pointed out something along those lines when they referenced Beaker, but I've always felt he looked more like this less-known muppet.  There's one specific muppet who has always wandered in to the background of Muppet News reports, wearing glasses and his teeth showing, and he squints at the camera and looks around, then looks back at the camera and his eyes get all wide as he smiles at the camera.  One of my all-time favourite muppets.  But anyways, back on topic for a moment...  Mike comes in on the Hexfield as the guy from the movie, and it's one of the funniest bits, mostly because it's so perfect.

But without a doubt, the BEST part of this episode and a part that makes this stand out as special, is the ending.  When Frank goes to "push the button" the screen goes to the credits, as normal, only to come back to Frank and Dr. F.  The button is broken and they go back and forth between Deep 13 and credits quite a few times, until finally they get it figured out.  One of the funniest jokes comes during that segment, when Dr. Forester states he has to go change the baby, Frank replies "But he's gotta want to change."

All the makings of a terrific episode!!!

Favourite line:  "You're breaking my heart by the ventricles."