Monday, May 31, 2010

Don't Assume Anything Is Wrong At All

Alright peoples. Here's this week's poem. I was very highly debating writing one less sappy, and more in tune with the "random observations" as I've been preferring lately... but I still happened to write this anyways, and my whole purpose in blogueing all these poems were to diversify and post each and every poem I wrote. I guess this includes the more emotional ones that just randomly fly onto the paper, so here it is.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

0416: Fire Maidens of Outer Space

MST3k, Experiment #0416

See the creature of horror who ravished a planet! Fire Maidens of Outer Space.

Five young scientists and technicians journey to Jupiter, miss and land on the planet's 13th moon. There, they find the only inhabitants to be a father, his fifteen daughters, and a monster. They find the moon much like Earth, as it has seasons, the same atmosphere, and flowers. They kill the monster, take one of the maidens back with them and promise to send back male settlers for the other girls.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

0415: The Beatniks

MST3k, Experiment #0415

General Hospital, Segment 2. Jessie loves her husband Phil, who is in love with another woman, who is engaged to another man. . . so Jessie decides to host a painfully awkward engagement party.

A pulsating story of modern youth. The Beatniks.

Eddie Crane is on his way to becoming a top recording star...if he can only break away from his lawless beatnik friends who are his only companions. Trouble ensues when his friends kill a bartender during a botched hold-up.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

0414: Tormented

MST3k, Experiment #0414

A ghost-woman owned him body and soul! Tormented.

On an island community off of California, Tom Stewart is preparing to marry the woman he loves. His plans are threatened by his old girlfriend, Vi, who shows up secretly. During a confrontation at the top of the island's lighthouse, the railing breaks and Vi falls. Tom has a chance to save her but doesn't. Tom's relief at Vi's accident soon fades when her vengeful spirit begins showing up wherever he goes...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

0413: Manhunt In Space

MST3k, Experiment #0413

General Hospital, Segment 1. Stalwart nurse Jessie Brewer is married to Phil Brewer, a cardiologist seven years younger than she. Phil has lost interest in Jessie and seeks the excitement of an extramarital affair. And Dr. Steve Hardy informs a patient that she has a hiatus hernia.

Manhunt In Space.

In this compilation of episodes from "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger", Rocky and his co-pilot Winky are sent into space to try to foil a gang of space pirates who have been preying on cargo ships sent out by the United Worlds, and who have also captured Rocky's girlfriend, Vena. Rocky is aided by a new invention, "cold light", which, in much the same way as heat causes mirages to appear in the desert, causes an object to become so cold that it disappears!

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's Three Thirty In The Morning

Alright... I guess this is just a quick poem I wrote up last night / this morning, when I realised I didn't have anything written yet!  I guess it technically describes my life in general... or at least, most nights.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

0412: Hercules and The Captive Women

MST3k, Experiment #0412

Heroic Hercules battles the seductive powers of the wicked Queen of Atlantis! Hercules and The Captive Women.

The ever intrepid world-trotting hunk of a man Herc (Hercules to those who are not his friends) saves a beautiful maiden from the hands of an evil creature. She takes him to her home, Atlantis. Herc kicks some butt and saves her from her mother who wants to kill her and from some scary looking blond guys but unfortunately the rest of the inhabitants are destroyed. Do not worry because Herc escapes along with his son, the maiden and an annoying midget.

Friday, May 21, 2010

0411: The Magic Sword

MST3k, Experiment #0411

The Most Incredible Weapon Ever Wielded!  The Magic Sword.

Lodac, an evil wizard, has kidnapped the Princess Helene and intends to feed her to his dragon in seven days. One of the king's knights, Sir Branton vows to rescue her, despite being warned of Lodac's seven curses, which have to be encountered before they can reach his castle. A boy named George, who was raised by Sybil, a slightly incompetent sorceress, who is smitted with the Princess wants to rescue her but Sybil whose family had battles with Lodac and lost refuses to let him go. But he uses the magic sword that she intends to give him to detain her while he goes to save the Princess. So he and six knights that Sybil created to be his allies go to the king and offer to accompany Branton and if he should save the Princess wishes for her hand in marriage. Branton is not pleased but is implored by the King to bring them with him. But Branton plans to use them as pawns to evade the curses but George with his sword and other armaments that Sybil manage to defeat them.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

0410: Hercules Against The Moon Men

MST3k, Experiment #0410

Earth's mightiest man battles moon monsters!  Hercules Against The Moon Men.

In ancient Greece a race of evil aliens from the moon land on earth. For years they've terrorized the nearby city of Samar, demanding children for sacrifice. Now, the queen of Samar has made a pact with the moon men to conquer the world and become the most powerful woman alive. However, the residents of Samar, sick of all the chaos, cheer when the mighty Hercules shows up to put a stop to it all.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

0409: The Indestructible Man

MST3k, Experiment #0409

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2
.  In this thrilling chapter, The Undersea City, Crash and Billy manage to escape being blown up. The crew attempts to escape back to the sub, but are captured by a group of Atlantians, who mistake them for agents of Unga Khan. Unga Khan sends his agents to take the sub crew away from the squad of Atlantans.

300,000 Volts of Horror!  The Indestructible Man.

"Butcher" Benton goes to his death in the state prison, cursing the three men who double-crossed him following an armored-car hold-up; "Squeamy" Ellis, Joe Marcelli and Paul Lowe, his attorney and leader of the gang. He vows to return and kill them and dies without revealing the location of the stolen money. Detective Chasen is determined to keep working on the case until the stolen loot is recovered. Benton's body is taken to Professor Bradshaw and his assistant for experimentation, and they manage to restore him to life, making him practically indestructible in the process. He takes off after the three men, getting rid of everybody who stands in his way. He is impervious to police bullets. He kills Ellis and Marcelli, while Lowe seeks police protection. Benton takes to the sewers to recover the hidden loot and the police are powerless to stop him.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Future Regrets Not Withstanding

Wrote this in the middle of the night the other day.  It's a fair recession back to my older style of writing, but that just comes naturally to me at times.  I can't say it's a bad thing though, because I really think this is one of the best I've written in a while.

Friday, May 14, 2010

0408: Hercules Unchained

MST3k, Experiment #0408

Fabulous feats of human power the screen has never shown before!  Hercules Unchained.

En route to Thebes for an important diplomatic mission, Hercules drinks from a magic spring and loses his memory. He spends most of the movie in the pleasure gardens of Queen Omphale of Lydia. While young Ulysses tries to help him regain his memory, political tensions escalate in Thebes, and Hercules' new wife Iole finds herself in mortal danger.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

0407: The Killer Shrews

MST3k, Experiment #0407

Junior Rodeo Daredevils
.  When old timer Billy Slater finds two children pulling a prank on his horses, he conscripts them to create a "Junior Rodeo". Most of the town shows up and watches children get thrown around by bulls while the narrator advises them that "That ground is awful hard!"

Your skin will crawl with fear at their nearness.  The Killer Shrews.

A disparate group are trapped on a remote island by a hurricane. On the island, a doctor works to make humans twice as small as we already are. This, apparently, will help prevent over population. Unfortunately, his experiments have also created some giant shrews. As the shrews run out of smaller animals to eat, they move in on the people in the house.

Oh good lord... The Killer Shrews.  Imagine a movie about people talking or mumbling, sometimes in sloppy Ariana Huffington accents, in one room (and ONLY one room) through the entire thing.  Now imagine that the characters aren't able to leave due to a bunch of supposed killer shrews that are waiting at bay outside.  There.  Movie.

This is one painful-ass movie.  The Room had more locations than this thing.  Yet somehow, Joel and the bots manage to make a really great episode out of this.  The short helped a lot I am sure... It's just ripe for riffing.

Honestly, the movie is just so bad that the episode is incredible.  I think this is one of my secondary-favourites of the whole series.  Sure, there are plenty of episodes with much more hits than misses than this episode has, but I still just love every bit of it, especially the Killer Shrews board game.  I think I just have a certain love for movies that just really go nowhere, and I don't just mean plot-wise.

Favourite line:  "Imagine in how much detail, senor?"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

0406: Attack of The Giant Leeches

MST3k, Experiment #0406

Undersea Kingdom, Episode 1
.  Brilliant scientist Professor Norton, a plucky gal reporter named Diana, the professor’s stowaway son Billy, and heroic Navy lieutenant Crash Corrigan take off to investigate mysterious undersea earthquakes in the professor’s rocket-powered submarine. Hundreds of leagues beneath the sea, they find the kingdom of Atlantis, the source of the seismic waves. The comparatively advanced undersea society has television, robots, and armored cars (though for the most part, they ride horses, fight with swords, and wear skimpy tunics and silly hats). And now it is this same technological know-how that has caused the Atlantesians to damage the Earth’s surface. Crash and his friends learn that the seismic activity is just a side effect of Atlantis' real problem: a rebellion led by the odious Unga Khan.

Crawling horror... unleashed by the depths of hell to kill and conquer!  Attack of The Giant Leeches.

In a community nearby a swamp, a local dweller sees a couple of giant monsters but nobody believes on his words. Later, the cuckold Dave Walker finds his slut wife Liz Walker cheating him with his friend Cal Moulton. He chases the couple through the swamp, and forces them to jump into the water. The leeches attack them, and the shocked Dave is arrested, accused of murder. Two other locals decide to look for the bodies of Liz and Cal to get the prize of US$ 50.00 per body, and also vanish in the swamp. Finally, game warden Steve Benton organizes a patrol to investigate the caves under the swamp, finding the lethal giant leeches.

I don't know if it was this way in the previous episode, or if it's been this way for the entire season so-far... but for some reason, Servo's hands really bothered me in this episode.  I am pretty sure it's because they are skin-coloured and not white like normal.  They just look... out of place.  Wrong, if you will.  I really don't know why it bothered me so much this episode alone, and not any prior ones.  Hmm... Oh well.

This was a pretty decent episode.  We started another set of serialised shorts, and according to one of the MST3k info sites, it's the oldest thing that has ever been riffed on the show.  Undersea Kingdom is a classic.  The moment the title card came up, I immediately shrieked "Diana!" and then remembered it was almost 1am, so I had to be a little more quiet.  This is definitely one of the more bizarre plots in the history of the show... something about a little snot-nosed kid who goes along with some military people, a scientist and some lady on their adventure undersea to find the lost city of Atlantis, where there are two feuding civilizations of people.  Oh, and robots.  The Atlantians have killer robots who drive tanks.

I guess on to the movie.  Nothing special here.  It really is just yet another bad movie, apparently produced by Roger Corman... Looks like that's all he had to do with this one though.  I actually can't help but wonder if it would have maybe been better had he actually done more on it.

The best part of the episode though is the second appearance of the Holoclowns from the last episode.  They are stuck in Limbo, and Joel is trying to get them to leave.  Great segment with some wonderful lines by Mike Nelson (as one of the clowns).

Favourite line:  "Oh great. The leeches have a little fort!"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

0405: Being From Another Planet

MST3k, Experiment #0405

For eons they traveled the galaxies. For centuries one was trapped in a Pharaoh's tomb. Now he is free.  Being From Another Planet.

Professor Doug McCadden is in charge of opening his university's latest acquisition - a sealed Egyptian sarcophagus. Opening it reveals an ancient mummy and a mold substance which proves to eat the flesh of anyone touching it. Later, sneaky student Pete Sharpe finds five hidden jewels in the bottom of the casket and distributes them to various co-eds on campus, not realizing the mummy, recently revived with an overdose of x-rays, is bound and determined to reclaim them. McCadden, who has carefully analyzed x-rays taken of the mummy, comes to the reluctant conclusion that it is not what it seems.

A movie orignally titled Time Walker, we owe it to Film Ventures International for the name change, which apparently should be referred to as a "spoiler" as the whole "from another planet" thing was the twist ending.  Way to go FVI.

Servo goes on a huge rant at the end of this movie, claiming this as the worst movie they have ever had to watch.  While I technically agree with him to an extent, I still think that The Castle of Fu-Manchu was worse.  That's not to say that this movie wasn't about as bad... and I am definitely not saying that it was good by any means.  I just think Fu-Manchu was far, far worse.  So, as Joel and Crow listed off movie after bad movie, and Servo shot them all down, insisting that this was worse, I worried about what he'd say to The Castle of Fu-Manchu.  But to my happiness, when they finally got there, his reply was "Okay, I'll give you that one."  Phew.

This is a pretty funny episode in all... They've got some good, solid bits in there, and I really just love the Holoclowns!!!  That whole segment was pure genius!

I suppose that's all there really is to say about this one.  Oh, and the TV's Frank Shopping Network is quite charming too.  I really love how casual and friendly Frank tends to be with the guys.  It just makes me think that under different circumstances, maybe, just maybe, they all could have been friends.

...but then again, it's just a show...

Favourite line:  "Guests of King Tut stay at the California Institute of the Sciences."

Monday, May 10, 2010

New Products

This week's poem.  I really love these dialogue-driven poems.


"I'm really sorry,
but we're going to pass."

"But sir,
I worked on this presentation
for over a month."

"Yes, well I don't feel
this product is very condusive
to our customer base."

"So what you're saying
is that no one
wants to buy
deep-fried mustard salami
covered in fudge?"

"I think I'm
gonna be sick."

Saturday, May 08, 2010

0404: Teenagers From Outer Space

MST3k, Experiment #0404

Teenage hoodlums from another world on a horrendous rampage!  Teenagers From Outer Space.

A young alien falls for a pretty teenage Earth girl and they team up to try to stop the plans of his invading cohorts, who intend to use Earth as a food-breeding ground for giant lobsters from their planet. The invaders, who arrive in a flying saucer, carry deadly ray guns that turn Earth-people into skeletons.

I can sum up this entire show using one of the most popular buzz words of the entire series... TORCHA!!!  I think that one word makes this episode so well-known.

Really stright-forward and simple episode, so not really all too much to say.  I absolutely love all the "muffled voice" bits with the car trunks.  Those never get old.  Also, the host segment with the really neato skull ship that came to visit... Let us just say that it's the lamest visitor ever!!  Had me in stitches.

I won't even really begin to get into just how horrible a "monster" the shadow of a lobster is.

Oh and I don't have any proof of this, but the driver that picks up our hero's nemesis...  I have to say that I would bet money that he played the neighbour in the educational short "It Must Be The Neighbours."  Ted Granger?  I think that was his name.  But maybe that's only because they both subtley remind me of Joe Don Baker.

Favourite line:  "Wait until you see my tongues!"

Thursday, May 06, 2010

0403: City Limits

MST3k, Experiment #0403

Just beyond our time, heroic young warriors stand between civilization and destruction.  City Limits.

Years after a mysterious plague has wiped out most of the adult population, the surviving children have grown up to form violent motorcycle gangs. Young Lee, tired of life on the farm, goes out in search of adventure and soon winds up in the middle of a war between a pair of rival gangs. Soon after Lee proves his worth and is accepted into one of the gangs, however, a new threat appears in the form of the evil Sunya Corporation, which wants to utilise the gangs for their own purposes. Can Lee lead his new-found friends to safety?

Sometimes, episodes just get easily forgotten amongst all the others.  I'd have to say that this is the most forgotten episode of them all, and quite possibly because it's the most forgettable movie of them all.  In fact, the final host segment is rather dedicated to the fact that, even immediately after watching the movie, none of them can remember a single thing about it.

James Earl Jones and Kim Cattrall appear quite prominently in the film, and that doesn't help it one bit... What it does help, however, is Crow's apparent obsession with Cattrall.  He even wrote and sang a song specifically for (and about) her in one of the segments.  This became legendary because, as the story goes, Cattrall randomly stumbled upon that segment one night and was confused and flattered by the whole thing.  Apparently she sent Trace some flowers or something...  I guess she must be a rather nice lady.

The only other real redeeming part of this episode was Mike Nelson as the pop singer Morrissey.  I always have a chuckle when I see or hear his name, and I do my best immitation as I say "Did I mention I cried?!"  Confused the hell out of some people at Best Buy.

Technically, this really wasn't a bad episode at all, and the jokes were very funny...  It's just very easily forgettable.  I hope this gets a DVD release someday, simply so people might start remembering it.

Favourite line:  "Oh darn, it's copyrighted."

0402: The Giant Gila Monster

MST3k, Experiment #0402

Only Hell could breed such an enormous beast. Only God could destroy it!  The Giant Gila Monster.

A couple of teenagers are reported missing in a small Texas town, and it is thought they eloped until their bodies are found in a ravine. Sheriff Jeff turns to his friend, Clarence Winstead, a garage mechanic and leader of a hot-rod gang for help. A series of tragic motor accidents occur and it becomes apparent that a giant gila monster is roaming the area and depleting the town of its hot-rodding teen-agers. And might have plans on attending the BIG record-hop party.

"I sing whenever I sing whenever I sing whenever I sing..."  Here is the movie that brought about yet another of many running jokes.  The young hero kid who loves to sing and fix cars up with parts he stole from abandoned vehicles becomes the brunt of many jokes from here on out.  That being the best part of the riffing, I'd have to say that the best part of the episode falls into Servo's educational bit on blocking.

The director of this film uses the "leg up" form of blocking in just about every scene... You'll drive yourself mad trying to count the number of times people have their leg up on things, so our beloved Tom Servo got together with Cambot and compiled a montage for us.  It's just absurd how many times that was used.

Well, this episode really is quite wonderful, and is a fan favourite despite being highly overplayed in the ComCen days.  They're having fun yet again, and even put on one of my favourite "broken sketches" (a little sketch that goes awry, usually due to the bots not taking it seriously), the malt closet sketch.  I love it when things fall apart like this (this time literally, thanks to Gypsy), and it really adds a certain sense of reality to an otherwise absurd premise.

Also of note, one of the letters at the end of the show is the reason Pearl Forrester calls Crow by the name of Art.  I won't go into any more detail, considering every episode guide/list talks at length about this... but I couldn't see any reason why not to mention it.

Favourite line:  "That makes thirty dollars! Wow!!"

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

0401: Space Travelers

MST3k, Experiment #0401

Three marooned astronauts. Only 55 minutes left to rescue them. While the whole world watches and waits...  Space Travelers.

After spending several months in an orbiting lab, three astronauts prepare to return to earth only to find their rockets wont fire. After initially thinking they might have to abandon them in orbit, NASA decides to launch a daring rescue. Their plans are complicated by a Hurricane headed towards the launch site and a shrinking air supply in the astronauts capsule.

Once known as Marooned, I think this may be the biggest budgeted movie to air on MST3k.  It stars Gregory Peck, Gene Hackman, Richard Crenna, David Janssen, James Franciscus and many others, and was actually a big movie released to theatres upon its first release.  I can't find much on it, but my dad worked in the local theatre at the time and according to him, it was pulled shortly after release due to one of them NASA disasters or whatever... He may be thinking of a different movie, but there were so many of those disasters that it wouldn't suprise me, and it would greatly explain why the movie got relatively "lost" until Film Ventures picked it up and renamed it.  Either way, this is the only movie in the MST3k canon to win an Oscar.

This episode is the first one I distinctly recall seeing.  I remember seeing this one and thinking "Oh my god this show is brilliant!"  I blame my uncle, who sat me down and forced me to watch it... Little does he know he created a monster.

Personal bias aside, it really is an incredible episode.  They seem very relaxed in their riffing style and form, and they honestly seem to be enjoying themselves all around.  I think the episodes are best when the movies are just not-painful enough that it allows the jokes to be generally lighthearted.  This one is a great example, as you can hear them joking and just having a grand old time as they go to and from the host segments.

I don't recall if they've done this before, but the mads' sign-off is a classic bit that I still do whenever I get the chance.

Oh, and the one line I very distinctly remember loving the very first time I saw this one came when the parts of the ship were dropping off as they blasted out of the atmosphere... "I hope they didn't need that."  That always had me roaring.

Favourite line:  "I made this thing out of clay. I think it's a duck."

Monday, May 03, 2010

Forced Boredom

Today's poem is something I wrote after work on Friday.  I could have written more, but I really was too bored to even do that.  Go figure.


I've been off work
for a half-hour already.
My ride isn't done yet.

So here I sit,
at a chair in the back room.

Not much is going on.
I already cleaned and
rearranged my desk.

Lindsay just blew her nose
and said "Dammit."

Watching someone else type
really isn't as much fun
as you would think.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

0324: Master Ninja II

MST3k, Experiment #0324

The 2-man army fights terror from the sky! Max and the Master storm a mountain fortress to rescue a beautiful hostage!  Master Ninja II.

In this Master Ninja "movie," the first half deals with the two Ninjas helping a cute country girl form a union at her warehouse and fight off the corrupt owners. The second segment has the two helping another cute girl and her rich father fight against terrorists who want to do something evil (although exactly what is a mystery). The duo get additional help, defeat terrorists, and rescue some hostages.

Okay so I'm a few days late on this one.  I slept most of the evening Friday, and then completely forgot about this whole thing on Saturday.  Oh well, better late than sorry.

So... I guess you could call this the "sequel" to Master Ninja I from a few days back, but since this all came from a TV show I don't think it counts.  Anyways, two(2) more episodes of the television show... and it sucks even worse than the first two(2).  Timothy Van Patten is even more mush-mouthed than usual here, and Joel and the bots do not go easy on him at all, and it's well deserved.  Pretty much the whole movie is spent with them making fun of how unintelligibly he talks.  Personally, I think that simply makes this episode better.

My personal favourite bit is the host segment when Crow (of course) mimic's Van Patten's mumbling, in a mash-up of General Patton.  I won't go into great detail, because I don't feel it needs any.  General Timothy Van Patten... enough said.

Anywho... end of season three(3) and on to season four(4).  I can't say I'm not relieved...  after the stinkers we had in this season, namely all those damned Sandy Frank films, it will be a relief to move on to other, better things.

Favourite line:  "My peaches dipped in sawdust?! What is he saying?!?"