Wednesday, June 30, 2010

0510: The Painted Hills

MST3k, Experiment #0510

Body Care and Grooming. Who'd have thought that college students might smell bad and require a short explaining why bathing and good personal hygiene are things to consider.

The Painted Hills.

A Lassie movie. After years of prospecting, Jonathan finally strikes gold. He returns to town only to discover that his partner has since died and left Tommy fatherless. He decides to leave Shep (played by Lassie) with Tommy to cheer him up. Meanwhile, Jonathan's new partner, Lin, isn't interested in sharing the gold, and lures Jonathan to his death. Lassie immediately deduces what's happened, so Lin poisons Lassie. Lassie barely pulls through and pursues Lin to a climactic confrontation where, due to an off-screen accident with some liquid nitrogen, Lin's gun jams.

0509: The Girl In Lovers Lane

MST3k, Experiment #0509

Too Young to Know... Too Reckless to Care... The Girl In Lovers Lane.

Danny, son of a wealthy family, is running away from home. He meets Bix, a long-time drifter, who agrees to "mentor" Danny. Danny's naivete leads him to commit gaffe after gaffe, leaving Bix to straighten things out. But when they stop in a diner in the next town, Bix finds himself attracted to the waitress, Carrie, and is forced to reexamine his whole drifting career. Meanwhile, Jesse goes around creeping everyone out.

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Cure To End All Cures

More poetry-on-the-fly. Whatever, I like doing that... no matter how cheap it seems.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

0508: Operation Double 007

MST3k, Experiment #0508

Such close friends... such beautiful enemies... Operation Double 007.

The evil crime syndicate Thanatos is bent on taking over the world, using a magnetic wave generator that will cause all metal-based machinery to grind to a halt. However, the well-known British secret agent normally assigned to such tasks isn't available, so they engage his civilian brother, Neil, to help. Neil, played by Neil Connery, is a world-class plastic surgeon, hypnotist, and lip-reader, which turn out to be precisely the skills required for thwarting Thanatos.

0507: I Accuse My Parents

MST3k, Experiment #0507

The Truck Farmer. Truck Farmer, the second edition, reveals the as yet untold story of the advances modern age that allows vegetable farming to supply the needs of the American public all year round. It does gloss over the somewhat minor role crop-picking migrant workers in Florida, Texas, and California play in this process...

I Accuse My Parents.

Ignored by his alcoholic parents, Jimmy Wilson starts hanging around with some shady characters. After falling in love with a lounge singer, Jimmy tries to impress her by doing jobs for her shady boss. After one of these jobs goes bad, Jimmy ends up on the run. Eventually, he must confront the truth, his past, and his parents.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

0506: Eegah!

MST3k, Experiment #0506

The Crazed Love of a Prehistoric Giant for a Ravishing Teenage Girl! Eegah!

While driving through the desert, a teenage girl is frightened by a seven-foot giant which appears in her path. After escaping, she returns to the site with her boyfriend and her father in an attempt to find the giant. They do, and it proceeds to terrorize them and the rest of Palm Springs, California.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

0505: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad

MST3k, Experiment #0505

Spectacular Scenes From The Greatest Adventure Story Ever Produced! The Magic Voyage of Sinbad.

An oddly Russian Sinbad seeks to bring happiness to his people - first by trying to give money and goods to the poor, then by seeking out the Blue Bird of Happiness.

Monday, June 21, 2010


Here's a little poem I whipped up when I realised today was Monday and I had nothing to post. It's not the best, but meh... whatever. That's not the point, is it?!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

0504: Secret Agent Super Dragon

MST3k, Experiment #0504

Blondes, brunettes, redheads, murderers, smugglers, or master criminals -- his fire could take them all. Secret Agent Super Dragon.

When an old colleague is killed, Secret Agent Super-Dragon comes out of retirement to investigate a case of poisoned chewing gum that leads inexplicably to an international crime syndicate planning to take over the world with psychotropic drugs smuggled in phony Ming vases.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

0503: Swamp Diamonds

MST3k, Experiment #0503

What To Do On A Date. Jeff wants to take Kay out on a date, but isn't sure what they'd do. The short offers ideas like taffy pulls and scavenger sales. Nothing says romantic quite like a scavenger sale. Ultimately, all the kids have a wholesomely-celibate-vanilla-white-Eisenhower’s-America good time.

Scarlet Women Out to Get Every Thrill They Could Steal! Swamp Diamonds.

A plucky police woman infiltrates a group of hardened female criminals who are planning to break jail and retrieve their loot of diamonds from its swampy hiding place. Complications arise when the women abduct Connors and begin fighting each other.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

0502: Hercules

MST3k, Experiment #0502

The mighty saga of the world's mightiest man! Hercules.

In this melange of characters and events from separate mythological stories, Hercules, demigod and superman, arrives in the ancient Greek kingdom of Iolcus to tutor Iphitus, son of king Pelias; immediately on arrival, he falls in love with the king's delectable, briefly clad daughter Iole. Before he can win her, he must succeed in a series of quests, in the course of which he teams up with Jason, true heir of Iolcus, whom he accompanies on the famous voyage of the Argonauts.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

0501: Warrior of The Lost World

MST3k, Experiment #0501

Now into a time of conflict and rebellion comes... Warrior of The Lost World.

The warrior is traveling through a post-apocalyptic world on his technically advanced motorcycle and his loyal computer Einstein. Being pure in spirit, he manages to pass through the wall of illusion and meets the resistance movement The Elders, fighting the tyranny of the evil despot Prossor. The resistance asks him to free professor McWayne, their leader, who has been sentenced to death by Prossor. The beautiful Nastasia and the warrior infiltrate the city, guarded by the Omega militia, where the professor is imprisoned.

Monday, June 14, 2010

But The Stench Is Killing Me

Here's a glorious poem I wrote for absolutely no reason except to just write. I actually kinda like this one, and I really don't know why.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

0424: Manos: The Hands of Fate

MST3k, Experiment #0424

Hired! Part 2. Fat doughy managing salesman is inspired by his creepy father on how to motivate and instruct his young, clueless car salesman on how to close. It is considerably less intense than Glengarry Glen Ross, but still unnerving.

It's Shocking! It's Beyond Your Imagination! Manos: The Hands of Fate.

A family driving through a small town gets lost and winds up at a backwoods shack managed by Torgo, who takes care of it while The Master is away. The Master worships Manos, an evil deity, and he also wears a neat cape. When Torgo lets the family stay, The Master awakens and does mean stuff like burning off Torgo's hand and sicking his dog on the family pet. Meanwhile, The Master's wives wrestle for his favor.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

0423: Bride of The Monster

MST3k, Experiment #0423

Hired! Part 1. A Chevrolet sales manager is having poor results with his staff, so he gets some advice from his father.

It'll make your skin crawl! Bride of The Monster.

Dr. Varnoff captures twelve men for his experiment: to turn them into supermen using atomic energy. Newspaperwoman Lawton gets too snoopy for her own good.

0422: The Day The Earth Froze

MST3k, Experiment #0422

Here Comes The Circus. Watch and enjoy a wide variety of circus acts - if you dare!

The Most Chilling Terror Ever Experienced.  The Day The Earth Froze.

Based on Finnish mythology, this movie traces the exploits of Lemminkainen as he woos the fair Annikki and battles the evil witch Louhi. Louhi kidnaps Annikki to compel her father to build for her a Sampo, a magical device that creates salt, grain, and gold. When Lemminkainen tries (and fails) to recover the Sampo, Louhi steals the sun, plunging the world into frozen darkness.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

0421: Monster A-Go-Go

MST3k, Experiment #0421

Circus On Ice. If you enjoy seeing women in striped suits on leashes, if you think gunshots are exactly what the ice shows of today are missing, well this short is for you. Not since It Conquered the World has a wintertime short been this creepy.

The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot-tall monster to give you the wim-wams! Monster A-Go-Go.

An astronaut comes back to Earth and crashes in a field, incredibly irradiated and wreaking havoc. Just as they have him cornered, he disappears, and the "real" astronaut is found 7,500 miles away in the Pacific Ocean, "alive, well, and of normal size."

Monday, June 07, 2010

Saturday, June 05, 2010

0420: The Human Duplicators

MST3k, Experiment #0420

Made to Kill or Love on Command! The Human Duplicators.

An alien is dispatched from a faraway galaxy to take over the Earth by "duplicating" humans and creating a race of zombies resembling animated pottery in this low-budget sci-fi film. Enjoy the opening and closing shots of the alien spacecraft resembling a Christmas tree bauble dancing in space, the faces of the "duplicated" humans shattering like a cheap vase when thrown to the floor, and the formative "duplicates" as they are cooked up in the lab in individual coffins. The alien's heart is softened by the persevering goodness of a beautiful blind woman, deeply conflicting his motives as the film plods to its "climactic" confrontation between the humans and their counterfeit duplicates.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

0419: The Rebel Set

MST3k, Experiment #0419

Johnny At The Fair. At the 1947 Canadian National Exhibition, a young boy ditches his parents and sets off for adventure, meeting some celebrities along the way, including world heavyweight boxing champion Joe Louis, Canadian figure skater Barbara Ann Scott (who won the gold medal in the 1948 Olympics), comedians Ole Olsen & “Chick” Johnson, and former Canadian prime minister McKenzie King. This short was narrated by Lorne Greene.

The Free-Living World of the Over-Teens! The Rebel Set.

A coffeehouse proprietor recruits three losers: a struggling actor, an unknown writer, and the ne’er-do-well son of a once-famous movie star. His plan: to carry out a million-dollar armored car heist during a four-hour train layover in Chicago.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

0418: Attack of The Eye Creatures

MST3k, Experiment #0418

Attack of The Eye Creatures.

A saucer landing is expected (and highly classified) by top people in military. The local army base is instructed to keep watch for activity in the sky, but instead they use an infrared scope to watch local teens make out. The saucer lands. Meanwhile, the two main characters are trying to elope. Keeping headlights off to avoid attention, they run over an eye creature. They report this, but in the meantime the eye creatures have possessed the body of a young drifter and so the two are arrested. The army finds the saucer, cordons it off and blows it up. The teens escape from the police station and discover that the eye creatures explode when exposed to bright light...

0417: Crash Of The Moons

MST3k, Experiment #0417

General Hospital, segment 3. The awkward engagement party dissolves when the groom-to-be is called away for a hospital emergency.

Crash of The Moons.

Rocky Jones tries to save the inhabitants of a planet that is doomed to a collision with one of the moons of a two-moon system but runs into resistance from the planet's suspicious empress.