Friday, September 14, 2012

Live-Beefing LOST: Season 1, Disc 1



SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't watched LOST, you may be confused or apathetic about the following post. Please go watch the series through at least once before bothering with my ramblings. Thank you.

s01e01 - Pilot (Part 1)

Alright here we go with the LOST re-watch. Holy crap! An eye!! I just scrolled back to hyphenate "re-watch"... I have seen this episode way too many times. By all technicalities, I should just skip forward to season 4 and pick up there. But I am committed to this thing, so here I go. I wish I could wake up in a bamboo jungle... with a mini bottle of vodka. Okay, so no mini bottle of vodka. Perhaps some Dr Pepper. There's the iconic white shoe, and now Jack is out of the jungle... Screaming. Is it wrong that I am making the engine noises along with the show? Yeah, I've definitely seen this far too many times. I wonder if there's a way to turn off auto-complete in this text editor I am using. Why the hell is the engine even working?! There, auto-complete off. I'd much rather have spell check than auto-complete. I wonder why I hyphenated auto-complete and not spell check. Hmm... Am I the only one who thought they went a little over-board on Claire's pregnant look? And there goes Gary Troup. And yes, I know the name of the guy who got sucked into the engine... but at least it's off. Poor Boone; all he wants to do is help, but he's so inept at it. "Does anyone have any pens?!" "Move! Move! Move!" Why did the wing explode?! This show is far too unrealistic! I should charge my phone. There, it's plugged in.

Typical doctor, running off to inspect his wounds in private. That's a stereotype, right? I wonder what those tattoos mean! God, I hate that episode... Jack meets Kate, the start of one of TV's most boring and annoying romances. I really dislike Kate. Have I mentioned that yet? No?? Well, I am sure to many times over the next few seasons. Sawyer!! Now him, I like. Yeah, HUGE pregnancy belly... I think she's having quadruplets. Is my spell checker even working? Okay, I looked up "quadruplet" and I had spelled it correctly. While Jack rambles on about fear and numbers, let me spell it wrong and see if spell check works... quedrouplet. Yeah, no, nothing. Hmm... I am turning that off. Oh, I had to turn it on first. Done. Now it's underlined in red! Shannon... the "hot" girl on the island. Personally, I think Sun is hotter... "I'll eat on the rescue boat." Now I'm hungry, but I have to wait for the rescue boat. I guess Claire's hungry too. And this is where Hurley started being in charge of the food. Poor Hurley. WAAAAALT! Oh, too soon. Sorry. I'd totally let Sun un-button her shirt. Oops, accidentally typed "shit"... That sentence would have been a lot weirder that way. No Jack, you "African-Americaned out"... Keep it PC, man. "It's not on the beach... neither is the tail." I dunno Jack, I see some pretty good tail here on the beach, hi-five?! No? Okay... Yes Walt, Vincent the dog is knocking trees over and making a loud dinosaurish noise. Very astute.

Alright, here we go with the first flashback. This must have been neat the first time around. Why does Cindy look so different from how we see her later, and I am not just talking about the dirt and stuff... She actually just looks different. And there goes Charlie. I got distracted by the show... forgot to type. And now the plane is crashing and people are being tossed about the cabin. And the BIGGEST unanswered question: Why did the smoke monster sound familiar to Rose? This show sucks now! Oh man, I love Locke. I loved him from the moment he just did that orange smile thingy. My biggest fear in a crash like this would be not having sunglasses. I wouldn't be able to see a thing. I really like the DS on Charlie's ring as coming from the band name, not some Dexter Stratton or whatever it was... That "reason" is so contrived and stupid. Backwards, that's what it is... I'd much rather it be from the Finland tour. And the dog watches on. Man, Locke is awesome. I would have hung out with that guy from day 1. I will never understand why people feel they need to hide from rain... unless it's acid rain, which this doesn't seem to be. I'm sorry... I like twelve-year-old boys like the rest of you, but Kate really doesn't have much of a figure. Little do they know, Charlie is actually a technological genius and is just pretending to not know what a transceiver is! That would have been a nice flashback idea. Crap, I knocked over my root beer bottle. Luckily is was empty. Unluckily as well, I have no more root beer. "Charlie's fine by the way..." Why did it take so long for the pilot to wake up? That timing was a little too perfect... Like it's a TV show or something. This show sucks now! Dakota Fanning is a bit weird-looking. Oh sorry, got distracted by the interwebs. Oooo the smoke monster noise again! I think I was one of maybe a few people who was rooting for the smoke monster from season one(1) all the way through to the end of season six(6). Go Smokey! Aaaand the pilot is over... I mean dead. I still have another hour or so of the pilot, but the pilot is still dead and won't be on the rest of the pilot. Alright I'll stop that. Run!!! Sometimes I wish it HAD been dinosaurs, and they would have been a million times cooler than Terra Nova. Why? Two words: Abrams.

Kate became co-dependent on Jack VERY early on. Okay, I'm not a huge fan of Kate, but I still would never complain about her pouncing on me and straddling me like she just did to Charlie. Just sayin'... Rain just comes and goes so quickly around here. "I'm Charlie by the way." Oh and for the record, Charlie has almost died twice already in this one episode alone. First when the flaming engine of death almost landed on him, and once when he tripped running from the smoke monster. Aww, the dead body of the pilot. And I guess it's on to part 2.

s01e02 - Pilot (Part 2)

And the second flashback of the series is for Charlie... About his "almost deaths", I am going to point out as many as I can during this re-watch. That Charlie had to die has always been a belief of mine. I've actually maintained that theory from the very start of the show. It's probably one of the first things I really noticed about the series. How did Charlie get from the very forward lavatories all the way back to the middle of the plane in such a short time? He was up with the cockpit, yet he lands with the rest of the center-section people?! This show sucks now! And an almost-death by a food cart. Not sure if that counts, but still... That kid almost dies a lot on this show.

Shannon found a bikini. I have no complaints about that. Oooo Sun was showing some skin! Button that top button, you tramp! WALT! ...and so THAT begins. I wonder if anyone has ever counted how many times Michael shouts Walt's name over the course of the series. I am not going to, because I'm too lazy... but someone should. Just not me. Handcuffs... I bet they're Kate's. Oh wait, I know that already. I keep forgetting I've seen this before a gazillion times over. "What is this?" "I just found it." Walt has a knack for not answering questions. For someone who despises being in charge, Jack seems to dive right into the role as often as he possibly can. Oh god, Kate, just shut up. You're not tough, so stop trying to sound tough. Lardo! They should have made LOST in 3-D... Okay that was a horrible idea. Forget I said it. Woo! Kate in her undies! Oh wait, no figure... I almost forgot that it's not that appealing. Does she have some huge scar under her armpit, or is that a seam?? Holy shit, she's a robot!! And now she's gearing up for yet another trek into the jungle. That's actually one of the least annoying aspects of Kate's character. If anything, it adds some depth to her... but not much. I miss you, root beer. Oh don't worry Jack, Kate's good at running.

Man, this was way back when everyone thought Jin was a heartless S.O.B. asshole of a husband... Then we eventually saw HIS flashbacks and realized that Sun was a cheating selfish bitch. Then we saw more of both of their flashbacks and realized that there was just no communication in their marriage, and we (the viewers) just hadn't seen the whole picture. That's a pretty fair metaphor for the show. "Do you read Spanish?" "No, I found it." Great lack of answer, Walt. Charlie and his heroin... The greatest love story of the show. Aww, poor little Shannon is having a breakdown. She looked really weird in Twilight... She and Dakota Fanning both look really weird in that series. Okay, back to LOST. I think everyone should go on the hike. Sawyer's got the right idea; everyone is going on the hike. Hmm, Google Chat just kicked me offline. Oh there, I'm back. Just in time for the trekking musical theme! I love all the variations of this tune. Gonna take a moment to sing along as they climb. Okay there, done. Turns out Walt is actually eleven(11), and Michael got it wrong both times. Plot twist! Locke is right, backgammon is a far better game than checkers. Backgammon is older than Jesus... Well then why aren't we worshiping backgammon!??! This show sucks now! Poor Jin, always having to feel pregnant women's bellies... Or is it just that one time? Whatever, Sawyer and Sayid are arguing again. And here comes the bear. Wait, it's not just a bear... It's a polar bear.

I really don't know what Jack was thinking when he asked Hurley to help with removing the shrapnel. There are plenty of other survivors that even just seem more competent in situations like these. Bear village... Now that would be a fun place to visit. "Guess what! I just shot a bear!" That's my favourite line of the whole pilot. Oh goody, some Kate flashbacks. Oh my gosh! Kate was the one in handcuffs! How expected!! I would like some more juice. I like-a da juice. The behind-the-scenes featurette showing a suitcase being hurled repeatedly at the marshal's head is what I think of every time I see this. Or was it just an interview? Either way, it's what I think of. "We should keep moving." Good idea... On with the show. They've got a bar! I'm with Sawyer on this; Sayid is just making this up as he goes. The French! Well this just sounds like a fun island to be stranded on! Let's play golf! 16 years... So, 1988 then. "Guys, where are we?"

s01e03 - Tabula Rasa

I really have seen these episodes so many times, I am quoting along with the "previously on" bits without even looking at the screen. I want a Klondike bar. Luckily, I have two(2) left, unlike root beer, which I am out of. I miss you, root beer. I'm back with a Klondike bar. Kate's dangerous?! How could a cute little chubby-- Okay, scrawny. How could a cute-- Okay, I'll rephrase. How could a scrawny girl like Kate be dangerous?! Freckles. I doubt that nickname will stick... And now Hurley knows about Kate's little secret. Truthfully, I am shocked that he's able to keep that a secret as long as he does. By the time they build the raft, people still seem to be unaware. "I don't go on marches." Entrusting Kate with the gun is like entrusting Hurley with the food... Oh. Yeah, these people are all idiots. Oh joy, more Kate flashbacks. I have a feeling I will be browsing the interwebs more during this episode... Yes, I'm biased.

A lot of this so far is just summing up what happened in the pilot. Typical of a TV show, but boring to me. The hi-def image is quite good. Stronger drugs? Man, if only someone had some heroin to help out... Yeah, this shot of the fuselage looks incredible on my TV. Nice. Aww Charlie is flirting with Claire. The start of one of the few likable couples on the show. Interesting juxtaposition from Charlie helping Claire with her bag, cut to Sun dragging a bag she hopes is Jin's to him. I love how scared of Kate Hurley is. Oh no! Rain! Quick everyone! Hide from the water!! "Everyone deserves a fresh start." Except you, Kate. Now choke! Ooo, Patsy Cline...

I think Michael's jealous of Mr. Locke. Walt wanted it to stop raining, and it stopped raining. Walt's special. Sun topless... Michael is a lucky man to have seen that. Knowing that the writers were originally planning a Sun/Michael romance, scenes like this seem kind of forced in and awkward... Well, more awkward than they are, that is. Jack is doing a great job at doctoring that man who is screaming nonstop. And now more of the same flashbacks for Kate we've already seen 30 times. It wasn't Kate! It was Sawyer all along! Plot twist!! Hurley, Locke and Sawyer are three(3) characters I loved from the start. Even when they fail at shooting someone to death at point blank range, they still can do no wrong. Wow, I typed "black ranger"... I've watched too much Power Rangers. Yeah, Locke is just awesome. I don't understand the Locke-haters. In fact, I don't know why Michael continues to have a problem with him, even after he found Vincent for him. "Three days ago, we all died." ...but not literally. Why did they even put that line in there? They should have known it would have caused annoying confusion. This little musical montage is pretty much when the show solidified itself in pop culture.

s01e04 - Walkabout

Back to the wreckage (again)... but this time with a focus on a Mr. John Locke. Man, I love that guy. How do they even expect you to sign your name on the back of a credit card?! It's too slick. Either it gets rubbed off completely, or it just smears all over the place. Perhaps they should re-think that. Okay, sorry... Back to the show. A boar! Shoot it!! I'm with Jack in this "burn the bodies" thing. Burn em all! I liked Sayid so much more in these earlier seasons than later when he got all teary-eyed and whimpery. Oh now why are Hurley and Sawyer fighting? Oh... food. What?! The food is all gone?! Man if only there was boar on this island. And out come Locke's knives! Colonel Locke... and Randy Nations asking for TPS reports. I think after this, I am going to go buy some more root beer. Yeah, that's some great English-to-Korean translation there, Michael. Also, that hand-signal for "OK" means something very, very different and dirty in Asian cultures. Congratulations. Charlie and heroin: easily persuaded by flirting. Rose.. She's another character I have always liked. I'll admit that while the flashbacks and twist in this episode are incredible, the boar-hunting and most of the on-island stuff is pretty laid-back and uneventful. It's still enjoyable though! Hmm, I'm half-way through the episode and I haven't written quite as much as the prior episodes. Not sure if that's because I've been caught up watching, or if I just have less to say. Oh well, back to watching! Norman Croucher. Randy's a dick. And the first appearance of "Don't tell me what I can't do." Hooray! Followed closely by the phrase's second appearance.

Ha! I love Hurley and Charlie trying to fish. They make a good team. Oh good, now both Sawyer AND Sayid can mope over their respective letters. I love how calm Rose is. At least someone on this island is calm. Locke on the phone with "Helen"... the 900-number version of Helen, that is. Poor Locke. He really had the worst happen to him in his life, out of all the survivors. Kate climbing trees. Is there anything this girl can't do! Smoke monster! No Kate, not Locke... Smoke monster. Locke is the first of them all to come face-to-face with the smoke monster. In hindsight, I think old Smokey showed Locke a vision of the light cave from season 6, considering Locke said what he saw was "beautiful"... or whatever. I think he used the phrase "heart of the island" too... but I could be wrong. We'll get to it when we get to it.

Poor Charlie, allowing Shannon to use him for a fish. Typical of girls, always wanting fish. That's a stereotype, right?! Rose thinks her husband isn't dead. How cute! Jack just saw a man in a dark suit that we later know is supposed to be his dad... Only on close inspection, it really doesn't look anything like Christian Shephard as we know him. I wonder if it was even the same actor, or just a stand-in until they cast the role. Oh no! Locke is dead, maybe! Only not... Yeah, here he is, pulling a boar. And no, that's not a euphemism.

"I guess she was gonna catch a connecting flight. She wore corrective lenses? And she was an organ donor... or at least would have been." LOST always has the best funerals. And here's Charlie with his heroin again. Those two are cute together. I hope it works out for them. I think this might be the calmest and most still Jack will be for just about the rest of the series... Just sitting on the beach in the dark. From here on out, he'll be running around trying to do everything. And here comes the big reveal... Locke was in Australia the whole time!! Plot twist!!! This show sucks now! "Don't tell me what I can't do!"