Monday, September 24, 2012

Live-Beefing LOST: Season 1, Disc 2

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't watched LOST, you may be confused or apathetic about the following post. Please go watch the series through at least once before bothering with my writings. Thank you.

s01e05 - White Rabbit

Okay here we go. I have an entire loaf of home-made bread, and I am watching a little kid get beaten up. I swear I've seen that kid playing Jack on something else recently... Maybe it was this. And now we get the first non-crash-related death of the show. Joanna? I think her name is Joanna, but I'll find out soon enough. First, Jack needs to save Boone from trying to save Joanna. He's so useful, that Boone. (Poor Boone.) Aww man, I'm on my last piece of beef jerky.

Boone is consistently jealous of Jack for being an actual hero or whatever... Yep, Joanna. I was right... as always. Aaaaand Jack is losing his mind. This guy looked much more like the actual Christian Shephard than the guy in the previous episode. Oops, I am getting bread crumbs on my keyboard. I think Sawyer wants to bang Shannon. But who wouldn't on that island, am I right people? Hi-five! Wow, these early episodes were actually very slow-moving. Claire and Kate are currently discussing astrology. And the first time someone calls Jack "brother" is from Hurley. Oh no! No water!! Whatever will they do?! Sorry Jack, but you kind of accepted the leadership role when you started calling the shots a few episodes ago. You can't go complaining about it now. "A couple guys jumped Mark Silverman." I think that line sums up the entire series. Christian Shephard is such a great father. Telling his son that he doesn't have what it takes. I hope someday I can belittle my children like that. Oh great, now Boone is chewing Jack out. These people are needy. Yeah, I'd stare off into the distance too if Boone was shouting in my face. I'd say that's an appropriate response, really.

Man, I really hate it when bread is soft and butter is hard. Perhaps I should melt the butter... and toast the bread. Ooo! I could make garlic bread!! Oh yeah, the show. Now Jack's mother is chewing him out. Maybe they should have named this episode "In Which Jack Gets Shat On, Metaphorically"... This butter tastes weird. I think it isn't good. Blech. Okay, just plain bread for me. Oh no! Someone stole the water!! Well, the little remaining water. I think Jack should shout "What do you want from me!?" like Jennifer Love Hewitt did in that movie. You know, like a shout-out to her or something. WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!? I say Hillshire, you say Farms... Hillshire! ..... GO MEAT!!

I think the director was trying to get an up-skirt on Jack, but he was wearing pants. It didn't work. Once again, Locke saves the day. I really don't get why anyone on this island doesn't trust Locke. Aww Charlie is flirting with the pregnant girl again. Honestly, I can't say I'd be doing much different... Aside from just hanging out with Locke or Hurley, of course. They want to see Sawyer's hole?! Eww gross. I really get annoyed when people spell "ew" with an extra e, like "ewe"... That's a sheep, morons. Oh, Kate is on top of someone again. Big surprise. "And hell, I'm an optimist." Wait, I have garlic bread in my freezer... I can save the fresh bread and make the frozen garlic bread stuff. Glad I remembered that. Scenes between Jack and Locke are always some of the best scenes of the entire show. I could just watch the two of them for hours. Locke is going on about how special this island is. "But I've looked into the eye of this island, and what I saw was beautiful." There, that's the line that makes me think old Smokey showed him a vision of the light cave.

I suppose I should wrap up my bread for now... I'll just let the show continue while I do. Oh sure, Jack, cry it up. Ahhh, apparently Jack's dad's ghost has a drink with him on the island too. Enter the cave. I think that's where I'd stay on the island too... In fact, aside from production reasons, I don't know why anyone ever bothered to abandon it. Chrissy is kinda cute. I tried Jack's speech at the airport once, but it didn't work to get me into first class. What a let down.

Ah so it was Boone all along who had the water! And now we get the famous speech... "If we can't live together, we're gonna die alone." Man, Kate just grabs onto that phrase and repeats it so much it makes everyone wish Jack had never said. She's like the Britta of LOST. She's the worst.

s01e06 - House Of The Rising Sun

Yeah, what IS the story behind Jack's tattoos? I really hope they devote an entire reeeally bad episode to that story. I like Sun; she's pretty. I agree with anyone who says that Jin and Sun are the best couple on the show. Following close behind is Juliet and Sawyer, and in third is Charlie and his heroin. Oh good, more hitting.

I wish I could remember what I just went to Google for. I was going to look up something... but what? Maybe I'll remember later. Yeah, that cave is pretty awesome. I'd make it my home. Ugh, I hate bees, and I am also very much allergic. Man, if only Jin knew the English word "watch"... Honestly, the fact that Jin doesn't even know a couple English words is rather unbelievable to me. But hey, it's a show. Alright, back to the bees. Aaaaand Kate is in her bra again. Typical Kate. Ooo skeletons!

They've now found the bodies of the Guardian lady ("mother") and Samuel ("the man in black")... "Our very own Adam and Eve." That's a cute little outfit Sun is wearing there. Aww puppy!! I want a puppy. Good to see Jack knows math. Oh crap, Michael is accidentally teaching his son racism. Poor Michael... I always felt bad for him. Jin covered in blood is a great example of how perspective makes every little difference.

Oh great, Kate and Jack are trying to flirt again. Geez, they're like horny little teenagers... only worse. Oh, I guess Kate was trying to flirt. Jack was just thinking about water. Yeah, that sounds about right. Locke knows about Drive Shaft, as he does about everything else in the universe. I really do enjoy these early Locke/Charlie encounters. Really, just anything with Locke is great. Sayid and his fire... I never understood why 2 camps was such an incomprehensible issue with these people. It's not like there aren't enough people. It's like they just WANT to be divisive.

So now Michael knows that Sun speaks English. The weight of this secret will drive him to drinking heavily and eventually suicide. Okay, it will drive him to set Jin free and give him back the watch. I was close. John Locke's Drug Rehabilitation and Button Pressing Program. They act like several people heading to live in a cave is a big break-up that can't be reconciled. Sometimes I think these early seasons were spent just trying hard to create drama where it didn't exist... which I think is why I personally enjoy the last 3 seasons more than the first 3. Do it, Sun! Leave your husband and come to me! Oh fine, I guess you two are good together. Whatever.

Hurley has the weirdest variety of music...

s01e07 - The Moth

One of the few episodes lacking a "Previously On..." segment. Charlie's rehab episode. Kate is bitching at Jack again... as always. Yes, Charlie, Locke typically sounds like a large hog of some sort. Pimping his band to a priest. Classy. Looking back an episode, I am not sure if I should count Charlie standing on the bee hive as an almost-death. He IS highly allergic... Oh well, I will count that and the boar attack as one combined almost-death instead. Two halves make a whole.

Oh yes, the antenna triangle. I remember this. Kate sucks at being convincing. Actually she sucks at everything. She's the worst. Diazepam to you too, Jack. "You're the rock god, baby brother." Wow, he IS a rock god! He shouted and the rocks moved and caved in around Jack... The rocks did his bidding. Also, Charlie almost died... again.

Gee, thank you for pointing out how unbelievable this show's premise is, Sayid. I almost was able to ignore that until you just mentioned it. "I'm Steve." "I'm Scott." Good old Scott and Steve. Of course, Boone thinks that Shannon is the most reliable person to leave the bottle-rocket task to. I can't help but feel that Drive Shaft is a blatant Oasis rip-off. I wonder what makes me think that. I wonder if those guys have sued each other lately. The sad truth is that Michael doesn't really know anything about construction, "load-bearing" is just the only thing he knows, and he tossed that word out to make himself sound smart. There, I just revealed the big mystery of LOST. Yeah, I really don't get why anyone dislikes Locke.

Kate: She climbs trees. I think that's on her business cards. She runs a professional tree-climbing service... for all your tree-climbing needs. She doesn't get much business. Uh oh, Sawyer just leaked that Jack got caught in a cave-in... and she's off! Did Liam just say "Pez off"?? I think he did... and because of that, Charlie is now hooked on the drugs. I blame Pez. And Charlie almost dies, yet again... only more this time. The rocks are rebelling against his rule.

Oh good, Kate's here to save the day. I wonder if Boone is jealous of Charlie too, considering Charlie actually does help people at times. Don't blame your brother, Charlie. Blame Pez. Moths infest this episode. I guess that's why they called it "The Moth"... Sweet jeans, I'm astute. I hope Kate feels like she wasted all that time and effort trying to dig them out... because she did. Wow, I'm surprised Shannon remembered what to do at all. Yeah, I feel like hitting Sayid in the head every so often too.

I am kind of hungry. Maybe after the next episode I will make some food. Garlic bread and a pork chop sounds like a good meal. Now Walt and Michael are going to live in the cave... across from Sun and Jin. Wait, Kate acts like she has never been to the caves. What about the water collection and bra-running?! She was there when Jack decided to "bring the people to the water." ... She's the worst. In fact, I am going to blame her for Charlie's drug addiction now instead of Pez.

s01e08 - Confidence Man

Couldn't either Jack and/or Sawyer find ANY better woman to pine after than Kate?! What about that tall blonde chick in the blue stripes? Seriously, out of about 45 people, they both gravitate to the needy, co-dependent, scrawny, annoying girl. "You weren't exactly supposed to see that." Oh good, the inhaler. It's funny how many fans grabbed onto the "What happened to the inhaler?" question as one of the "important" mysteries of the show.

Ooo water sounds good. I love how their two choices on trying to get an inhaler from Sawyer are "Send Kate" and "torture him"... Yeah, I'm sure there were no other options there. Yeah, Kate reeeeally does suck at trying to persuade someone. Sawyer's letter is one of the better sub-stories in the show, in my opinion.

Now Locke on the other hand... There is a person who is incredible at persuasion. Kate could learn a thing or two from him, if she knows how to learn anything at all. I wonder if I was the only person who thought the first time around that they never actually proved that Sawyer ever even had the inhalers. Here they are just assuming he has them, but he never said he had them. These people are far from civil. So is it a stereotype that Australians don't like peanut butter?? I have never heard that. Yeah, see... There's no need to torture Sawyer. You can calm Shannon down by talking to her.

Poor Hurley... It's not easy being fat, I'm sure. And to have someone pestering you for food surely doesn't help. See, even Sun knows how to help Shannon without torturing someone. Oh fine, or you can torture Sawyer. Whatever. I really think this just made me like Sawyer even more, really... Enduring all of this without even having what they want. He's a badass. The guy Sawyer is playing pool with in the flashback... His name is Kilo. Don't ask how I know that. Oh crap, I need to do dishes before I can make dinner. Oh well. Ha! Take THAT Kate. You kissed him for nothing! Hey, you can't get mad at Sawyer... You're all the ones who assumed that he even had it in the first place. Morons.

Oh good, and now you nearly killed him. You people are smart... and all the while Sun is actually helping the girl who can't breathe. "You're lucky to be alive." ...considering we tortured and almost killed you for no reason. Yeah sure, blame the innocent guy you accused and found guilty based on your own assumptions with no proof. Am I the only person who thinks Sawyer is the only truly sane person in this episode?

And while all this needless, senseless violence is going on, the hot Asian chick has healed the sick girl in a casual, calm, reasonable... not to mention obvious fashion. Way to go Jack at being a doctor. Yeah, don't get your hopes up, preggo. He didn't actually find any real peanut butter. You don't owe him anything. Great, now I want milk. Although I think I could happily go my entire life without hearing someone pretend to eat peanut butter. Yeah, you'd better feel bad, Sayid. You're an idiot. And I hope you've helped make Kate feel bad about herself. She should. She's the worst.

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